I have to be honest. Today I didn’t want to get up. It wasn’t just that I was still sleepy when the alarm went off or that we’d had a bad night. I just didn’t want to get up and do the same things over again. As much as I love homeschooling, I didn’t want to do it! As much as I love being a mommy, I just wanted a day to myself…a day with no fighting, whining, calls for Mommy, or anything of the sort. If I was going to do anything, I wanted to do it alone, unless of course I could keep Doug with me. I kept thinking that if I had something new to get up for, it might be worth it. But I just didn’t want to do it all over again.
Why have I lost the passion for life? I get to do the things I’m passionate about – the things I really have always wanted to do in life. Maybe my delight is hampered by the misery of my husband, who is not getting to do any of the things he’s passionate about right now. He’s sacrificing in a job he hates simply to make sure that I get to do what I want to do. If I choose not to take joy in what I do, then is his sacrifice worth the price?
Probably it boils down to PMS or discouragement or tinges of depression, or a combination of them all. But, really and truly, it mirrors my walk with the Lord right now. I’m still praising Him and I’m still hearing His voice, but I feel tired in my walk with Him. Not tired of it – never! I feel like the disciples when they told Jesus there was nowhere else for them to go – they’d tasted Truth and walked with Life, and they knew they could never go back to anything less. But, that didn’t make it easy or pleasant all the time. There were times when it was downright tough and discouraging. There were times when they were scared out of their minds. There were times when they were baffled. There were times when they were frustrated. So, no, I’m not tired of my walk with the Lord at all. Just tired in it. Weary of fighting the same battles day after day – the battle of praising the Lord no matter what. It is becoming more natural to think thoughts and say words of praise in the midst of the struggle, but it’s still a battle. I still want to gripe and complain. I’m weary of the battle of the mind – the battle to keep only Phil 4:8 thoughts in my head at all times. I’m weary of the uncertainty and the unknown. I like to plan, and even though I know God is teaching me so much right now about faith and trust, it still goes against the grain of who He made me to be! I’ve been a planner for as long as I can remember – He created me to be that way! He frequently calls us to serve and grow in ways that fit perfectly with who He created us to be, but sometimes He calls us to put aside our human personality in order to become more like Himself. That’s where He has me right now.
I know I can’t change what God’s teaching me right now. I can’t change those circumstances. I’ve tried to come up with many ways – praying for and seeking a new job for Doug. Considering jobs I could do that would allow Doug to quit UPS while we wait for God’s direction. Trying to figure out how to make more money selling Mary Kay. This and that. I just can’t do it! But, I still need something fresh – something to reignite my enjoyment of the life God has given me.
So, today, I’m stepping back! We’ve had a crazy week, so we’re going to end it with a “do what we want to do” day. No school. No requirements. Not in a sense of letting everything disciplined go – just an attempt to enjoy each other and life today. The kids are playing. Steven is even getting his paci (still trying to cut that other tooth – poor thing is chomping like crazy!). I’m going to find fun tasks. Tasks that let me organize and plan. Things that are out of the ordinary. I’m going to clean out the van, clean the girls’ room, go through their dress-up stuff to get it back to where they can enjoy it, maybe even sort my digital pictures since the 1 GB camera card is almost full. Through it all, I’m going to try to use the change in activity to give my brain a little nudge for a change in thought. I know that my activity of today is not what’s going to help my mood. What will help is my thought pattern – my focus. But, maybe if I’m doing something different, it will trigger my thoughts to be different…to be focused more on Christ than on that feeling that I’m going to jump out of my skin if I hear one more whine! To be more focused on the awesomeness of my Savior than the lack of visible change in our circumstances. In essesnce, to be more centered on my Lord and less on me. It will still be work and still be a challenge, but maybe just a small change in my daily schedule will give me the bolster I need to face that challenge with a new energy instead of the old weariness.