>Emotions and Waiting

>I love to write.  It’s a release for me.  It is fun to share my thoughts about things that God shows me throughout every day life.  But, in all honesty, there is much I hold back.  Some things should be held back.  Some things should only be shared with intimate trusted friends.  But, there are other things that are close to my heart but aren’t necessarily private.  I want to start sharing some of those things. 

Adoption is a topic I don’t talk about much, mainly because I don’t have any specific to share about our journey.  In fact, an official journey hasn’t even begun.  Right now we’re still in that waiting phase, wondering when God is going to tell us to really get started.  But, despite the lack of action related to our adoption journey, there is no lack of emotion about it. 

Some days my emotions are intense and passionate.  I just can’t seem to wait! Other days it’s okay to be waiting.  Today is one of those “if I could adopt a whole bunch of kids today I would” kind of days.  In fact, I’ve been in that mode for over a week now.

What struck me this past weekend is that eight years ago I had a totally opposite opinion of adoption.  Doug was a youth minister in Georgia at the time, and I can remember a church member sitting with us in Doug’s office trying to insist that we had to become at least foster parents, if not adoptive parents.  It was something close to his heart because it was his job.  But it was not close to ours.  In fact, it was far from mine.  And, I felt like he was trying to shove it down our throats – to force it on us.  I was not pleased, much less willing, and neither was Doug.

When I was three and a half, my adopted sister came into my life.  Two adopted cousins were already in my life.  And none of them created happy situations in my extended family.  Quite the contrary, all three have brought a lot of hurt into our family, and continue to do so years later.  I had no intention of bringing that hurt into my own young family.

Somewhere along the way, that attitude changed.  I can’t really tell you when it did or how, other than that God was working to soften my heart.  I just know that the time came when I was willing to consider adoption.  In the past couple of years, thought, it has become more than just a willingness to consider.  It has become a hunger.  A passion.  A desire.  And there are some days it’s so strong I feel like I can’t even begin to wait another day, much less the months and sometimes years it takes to go through the adoption process.

Years ago, Wes King and his wife were struggling through the emotional agony of infertility.  He wrote a song entitled “Thought You’d Be Here” about the pain of waiting, and a line in the song has stuck with me since the first time I heard it.  The line says, “I never knew that I could miss someone I’ve never met.”  Over the past year, that line has become so incredibly real to me.  Part of our family is out there somewhere.  We don’t know them.  We don’t know if they’re alive now or waiting to be born.  We don’t know how many of them there are.  We don’t know when we’ll meet them.  But, I miss them.  My arms ache to hold them.  My  heart loves them even though I can’t even call them by name.

God has not allowed us to even begin the process of adoption yet.  But, I know it’s coming.  I know He will let us know when the time is right.  And, I know He will soothe my aching heart while I wait.  And so, I wait.  And one day I’ll get to introduce them to you.  I’ll get to post their pictures and delight in their antics.  I’ll get to watch them learn and grow.  In the meantime, thank you for letting me share the waiting – it will make sharing the precious news so much more exciting when the time finally comes!