We’ve been a bit out of routine the last couple of weeks. That always has an effect on our discipline. One week is not too bad, but if we roll into a second week like we did this time around, we all begin to go a bit nutsy.
This particular second week was a little more than nutsy, though. It was challenging. The challenge really makes itself clear in my journal – well, in all of my writing actually. Or maybe I should say none of my writing. I simply did not write most of last week. Last Monday I spent the day finishing a major writing project. When it was done, I stopped. No blog posts. No reviews. The days I wrote something in my journal, it was just to say I’d done it. Most days I was more honest and left the pages blank.
I have shared before that I truly process the best when I write. I can process mentally, but it takes much more effort. It is too easy for me to toss a thought through my mind, convince myself I have processed it, and then move on to the next thought. When I write, I force myself to realize just how many details I easily ignore in my head.
Last week I did not want to process my thoughts. I didn’t want to come face to face with the ugliness of discouragement, anxiety, and even a bit of anger. I knew if I started writing, for whatever reason, those things would come out whether I wanted them to or not. It was much easier to pretend I was processing as I allowed the thoughts to rumble through my mind, shooting half-formed prayers up to the Father.
Ironically, I can’t help but smile as I sit here remembering last week. It is not a smile of victory, for I failed far too many times last week. Instead, it is a smile of realization – the realization that despite all of my failings and refusal to process, God still spoke to my heart. He was still there. And when I sat down to finally begin writing again, He helped me process as if I’d never walked away.
We all get out of whack sometimes. Just the smallest nudge to our routine can throw us for a loop. But God never gets out of whack and He never steps away. He is as faithful in our out-of-whack moments as He is in our normal daily routine or in our times of major crisis. He knows how much we need Him in times of minute distractions or temporary steps from routine. He never walks away, even when we can’t even bear to stop and process our thoughts and feelings with Him for fear the dam will break and we will fall apart.
This week, I’m ready to process. I’m ready to be real before Him. And I can’t help but pour my heart out in thanksgiving over the reminder that He didn’t give up on me last week when I was all out of whack.