That is the question, isn’t it?
It’s a question I’ve been asking myself for a little while now. And I’ve been slowly coming to a surprising realization regarding the answer: who I am changes.
I used to think that wasn’t possible. Yes, our stages of life would change, our circumstances would change, and even our interests might change. But the core of who we are has to stay the same, right?
In a way, yes. I’ve been created as a unique individual and there are certain aspects of my being and my personality that will always remain constant. But over the past few years I’ve experienced some confusion as I’ve tried to evaluate what is enjoyable and fun to me. What ideal life would look like for me. What fills and nourishes me. It’s honestly easier to just default back to the things that used to answer those questions and fill in the blanks for those evaluations.
Easier, though, isn’t always right. And those old answers seem a bit off to me these days. I’m not excited about the same things I used to be excited about. I’m not nourished by the same activities or fueled by the same types of situations, events, and circumstances. I don’t even love the same gifts I used to love. Or something as basic as the same foods!
Who I am has changed.
I recently took the time to evaluate my blog and go through and unpublish a lot of posts. Most of them, in fact. Why? Because who I am has changed. I don’t communicate the same way anymore. I don’t hold all of the same thoughts and ideas. So, as I get back to writing and publishing, I want to make sure that what is posted on my blog truly reflects who I am.
I have changed.
But that still leaves me with the question: Who am I now?
I honestly don’t know. And I struggle to have the intuition to dig it out. I’m a practical person who doesn’t work well in the theoretical (that’s one thing that definitely hasn’t changed and never will!). So, it’s much easier to look back and retain who I’ve been than to look forward and figure out who I’m becoming. It’s too abstract. I instead have to go with what I know today.
Today, it’s about writing. I’m a new writer. I know that seems odd since I’ve been blogging for nearly 15 years, so let me explain: I used to write, and I loved it. I wrote about my family’s daily activities on our family blog, highlighting both the fun and the struggles we had as a family. I wrote about things I learned as a mom. Spiritual truths I’d gleaned along the way.
Then I hit a stretch of life where I could no longer be public about lesson and struggles. I won’t go into the details of why, but the reality was that I no longer had that freedom. At first I tried to journal through it all anyway without publishing it on the blogs. But, I found myself undisciplined. The rhythm of blogging ensured that I made writing a part of my daily life. Without the blogging, I found myself lacking the discipline I needed to truly hash through the process of writing.
It was a mistake. I think I knew it at the time, but I just didn’t have the energy to do anything about it. The consequence was that, over time, I lost my own voice. I did a lot of ghost writing, a lot of dispassionate writing about ideas and events that I could easily address. But they were never me.
Now I’m coming back. But “me” is very different now. I can’t just rediscover that old voice. I have to find my new one. For instance, I’m not the work-at-home, homeschooling mom of three children ranging from elementary to early high school. Instead I’m the soon-to-be empty nester who is in between jobs and wondering what’s next.
And that’s not the only thing that has changed. Ministry has changed. Marriage is very different a quarter of a century in than it was 15 years in. My fifth decade of life is different from my fourth. Life is just…different.
So, I’m diving in. I’m figuring out who I am. Not who I will be for the next however many years I have on this earth. But who I am now. This year. In 2024.
And I’m going to record it, because someday I’ll look back at all of those old blog posts that I wrote in my thirties and at the things I’m writing now as I close out my forties. I’ll take note of the journey, and I’ll compare all of that to where I am in that “someday” moment. I’ll see who I was. I’ll acknowledge who I am. And I’ll take an active part in shaping who I will become.
And one day, when I step into eternity, I’ll know fully that the whole purpose was to learn who I am ultimately: a child of God whose whole purpose is to bring glory to Him…with all of who I am.
Not Quite Ordinary 