Permission

I love giving permission to other people. Permission to go light on themselves. Permission to relax. Permission to do fun things just for the fun of it. Permission to not be busy all the time. Permission to do things that I’ve wanted to do at times but didn’t feel like I had permission to do.

Sometimes, especially during my growing up years, that permission was withheld by others and their expectations of me, whether they intended to withhold it or not. As an adult, there have been times when I felt the lack of permission from others, but it’s more frequently been a burden I’ve placed on myself.

I don’t give myself the same permissions I give to others.

It hit me hard this morning as I processed what the day needed to look like compared to how tired I felt. Somewhere in the middle of that whole stack was my sense of writing responsibility.

Writing is a joy and a need for me, but it does also sometimes weigh on me as a responsibility. When I don’t write regularly, those muscles weaken and writing becomes harder. And I haven’t written a whole lot over the last few weeks because of a busy month and a need to shuffle other things into my writing time. So, this morning, it felt more like a responsibility than a joy. More like a demand than a need or desire.

As I weighed the options of the day and tried to figure out where to fit writing in, knowing it would be even harder later in the week, the first thought that came to my mind was Give yourself permission.

It stopped me in my tracks, both physically and mentally.

Permission? Permission to what? Not write? That’s what I’ve been doing a lot of lately, and it has to stop somewhere. So, what permission do I need to give myself?

As I pondered, I realized, first of all, that I had an idea to write about. So I definitely would be writing today! It’s critical to take advantage of those ideas! But, secondly, I realized that some of my fear about skipping writing revolves around a balance of permission. I don’t feel that I can give myself permission to relax on my responsibilities because I will resist jumping back on them.

So, that’s the first permission. The permission to go easy on myself now and be firm with myself later.

I also realized that I most commonly give myself permission to skip the most life-giving responsibilities. Probably because I feel a little guilty indulging in them anyway when they aren’t immediately practical. So, the second permission is allowing myself to set aside other things now and then. Even the practical.

That’s what I’m doing today. I’d intended to skip writing and do tomorrow’s chores today since we’ll be otherwise occupied most of tomorrow. Instead, I’m giving myself permission to write what’s in my head. Then I’ll give myself permission to reconsider the chore list for the week and determine what can slide. I’ll give myself permission to be firm with myself later in the week if needed.

Permission is like that. It’s nourishing, whether it is giving us a bit of leeway or holding us accountable. It teaches us, grows us, heals us, frees us, sets our boundaries, and paves the way for a healthy life.

Permission will look different for you than it will look for me. It will also look different coming from those around us than it will coming from ourselves. And, there will be times when we will need to give ourselves permission specifically because others withhold it when they shouldn’t. Or we’ll need to see the need to grant our permission to those around us.

My prayer today is that I will grow in my understanding of responsible, life-giving permission. That I will know when to give it to myself and to others.

And for the moment, I will write.