When I lost my job nearly a year ago, one of the things I felt I should get back to was writing. I hadn’t written regularly in a while, for a lot of reasons. But, I wanted to start it back up. I know I’ve shared this before, but I felt like a part of me was missing because I wasn’t processing through writing.
In the past, writing usually came easily to me. There were dry spells, to be sure, but for the most part I could come up with something. More often than not, I had more ideas than I could use. It was the one space in my life where brainstorming ideas frequently worked. (I’m not a brainstormer. Often even hearing the words “brainstorm session” causes my brain to completely shut down!) I’d keep a running list of topics and ideas, then flesh out the ones that worked and discard the ones that didn’t.
Either way, whether I had fresh thoughts or needed to dive into the list of ideas, I could almost always write at least something.
But this past year? I’ll be honest, it’s been hard. I’ve had a couple of isolated bursts of feeling the old inspiration come back, but they’ve been just that…isolated. It has left me wondering if I should even be trying. I mean, if God wanted me to do this, He’d give me the words, right?
How often is that the way we look at obedience? If God wants us to do it, He’ll pave the way and make it smooth! But will He?
I very clearly remember a conversation that happened years ago. I was sharing an update on where we were, and the response to the update was, “Isn’t it amazing to see how God just works everything out so smoothly when we step out in obedience?”
“I wouldn’t know,” I responded.
And it was true. We knew we were walking in obedience, but no, everything was not working smoothly. In fact, the opposite was true. If we were supposed to trust in circumstances to confirm that God had guided us in this way, then the evidence indicated that we’d misheard Him. That we were actually disobeying. Because everything we were trying to do was a fight, and doors were closing much more often than they were opening. Honestly, that transition time was preparation for what life was going to be like for the next few years. A constant uphill walk. A continual string of circumstances that didn’t just act against us but screamed against us.
I can’t tell you how we knew that, yes, we were obeying despite the circumstances. And I won’t tell you that we moved forward without questioning. We questioned almost daily. But, we did know, despite the hurt and the confusion and the struggle, that we were where God put us.
As Christians, we believe that we are encouraging one another when we say that doors will fly open or opportunities will rise up or circumstances will fall into place if we just walk in obedience. And, if those things don’t happen, then we know that God isn’t in it and we can walk away.
But, that’s not how God works, and when we speak to one another that way, we’re not rightly representing the character of God. He doesn’t say, “If you just have faith to open this door or take that turn, I’ll show you the beautifully paved path.” Instead, in John 16 Jesus tells us the opposite. He says we’ll have trouble. We’ll have suffering. Our comfort and sense of direction aren’t in a smoothly paved path but in the reality that He is with us. That He will never leave us alone. That He has conquered this world of trouble and suffering.
I’ll be honest. I don’t know if I should keep trying to write. I don’t know if this is where the Lord wants my energy going. I honestly don’t know what He wants me to be doing as I process into a new stage of life. I’m still praying and seeking and trying to listen, and I haven’t sensed clear answers or direction yet.
But I do know this: I can’t stop just because the circumstances of limited ideas and strained writing sessions seem to be blocking my path. Because it’s not about circumstances. It’s about a relationship with the One who can do whatever He wants with whatever circumstances exist. The One who can engineer any circumstances. The One who desires my obedience but can also handle anything I mess up. If I’m supposed to write, it will be because He has told me to, not because the ideas flow.
Should I? I don’t know. All I know is that I need to seek Him more passionately and let Him tell me. So, today I’ll write. But more than that I’ll seek. Lord Jesus, draw me closer to You through it all!