Category: Marriage

It’s a funny thing to look back. Experiences that were incredibly hard to walk through become moments to give thanks for because certain growth would never have happened without those experiences – even if we never would willfully choose to experience them again. Joyous moments produce a bit of nostalgia, knowing that we would choose to relive those times, even though they tend to be much more fleeting that the challenges.

Then there are those decisions made, those moments experienced, that trump it all. Those are the things that form the core around which all else is experienced.

Nineteen years ago, a young man and a young woman made one of those decisions. Experienced one of those moments. They said, “‘Til death do us part,” and then chose every day, through the joys and the challenges, to live up to that commitment.

Looking back over the past nineteen years, I can’t say it has all been glorious and wonderful. There have been some tough years. And those tough years have brought many challenges that have stretched and pulled at our marriage. But the marriage itself? That, my friends, has been good. So very good. And part of the goodness has come from knowing what we’ve weathered together and the ways we’ve grown together.

What we have today has been forged through all of the ups and downs, the joys and the challenges, the laughter and the tears. And I love what we have today. Every single detail of it.

So, happy anniversary, my love! Thank you for not just sticking with this thing called marriage, but for being fully devoted to us. To growing us and strengthening us and being us. I love you!

Doug and I had been married for several years when he began working for UPS. For the first time in our married life, I had no real connection to his job or his coworkers. Each morning, he would walk through a security gate into a huge warehouse that I could never enter. With the exception of one coworker who became a family friend, I never met the people who surrounded my husband day in and day out. My only understanding of his work and work relationships came through his descriptions. Meanwhile, I worked two days a week at a local mother’s day out. Doug had met many of my coworkers, but we as a couple never engaged with any of them socially.

Then there was church. An hour-plus drive to a small, rural community in the northeastern corner of Arkansas – very different from the busy Memphis suburbs where we lived and worked our secular jobs. There was no doubt that we needed a church family; but they just needed a part-time pastor and we lived too far away to forge any real relationships. And our immediate community? Well, the neighborhood felt closed and so very different from the seminary community we’d just left.We never really learned the key to unlocking relationships there.

Bottom line: we as a couple had no natural, joint community.

Much is often said about women having the chance to get away regularly with their girlfriends and men being able to hang out with other men. And yes, those things are necessary. I’m smiling just thinking about the reality that my best friend and I are both married to men who understand that she and I need each other. They go out of their way to make sure we get that connection time as often as we possibly can – even if it’s a Skype text chat across thousands of miles and a vast ocean! They know we are better because we strengthen, encourage, and sharpen one another.

But, it is not enough that I spend time with Joanna, just like it’s not enough for Doug to spend time with her husband Aaron or some of the fellow ministry guys he chats with from time to time. No, we also need opportunities for Doug and I to have relationships that merge. We need double dates like the recent ones we’ve been blessed to have not only with Aaron and Joanna but with another dear, dear couple. We need to know the same people and share a circle of interactions. We need to be unified in at least some joint community.

Why? Because it’s far too easy in our culture to live completely separate lives even when under the same roof.

That doesn’t mean it’s wrong for each of us to have our own communities. We live in a culture where husband and wife both tend to work, and they cannot help but walk in separate communities part of the time. But, when we do not make an effort to merge our worlds at least now and then, we run the risk of ending up more as roommates than as a husband and wife who are walking through this life together.

God very intentionally designed us for community. When a husband and wife choose to maintain separate communities, only coming together in private interaction, they run the risk of being pulled apart instead of remaining bound together. Each finds that the other just doesn’t understand the life they live because each is outside the other’s community. They forge separate interests. Separate connections. Separate lives.

It takes effort to center ourselves in joint communities when our lives naturally pull us apart, but it is possible. Through church. Through getting to know our neighbors. Through choosing to introduce our spouses to close coworkers and getting to know their spouses. (I can’t wait for the day when Doug will get to meet my boss’s husband!) The more we pour energy into creating these communities, the more reward we see from it.

What joint community exists in your marriage? What can you do to strengthen it? If none exists, what can you do to build it?

I don’t really know where the thought came from. It started running through my mind the other day, I think while I was processing through my morning devotional reading. And it has not left me alone since.

The thought was this: there is no such thing as universal parenting advice. I could write a book on all of my parenting tricks and tips. I could share my successes and failures, how my children have grown and matured both because of and in spite of my parenting techniques. And the things I share would, without a doubt, help some people, just as the advice and experiences of other parents have helped me. Ultimately, though, all those tricks add up to just that – tricks. They do not give the complete picture.

As I think back on all of the parenting advice I have ever given, I regret that I have never looked at a fellow mom and asked, “Can you pray while you are disciplining your child? Playing with your child? Teaching your child?” In the future, I desire that to become the core of any advice I give. Thinking back on all of my progress as a parent, I have grown the most and parented best when I have stopped in the middle of any moment – happy or sad, infuriating or exhilarating – and drawn upon the wisdom, joy, and strength of our heavenly Father.

Marriage is no different.

Recently, while enjoying a wonderfully peaceful, nourishing, and much-needed visit with my best friend, our conversation drifted toward marriage. We talked about the seasons when our marriages are tested. When communication is hard work and true health requires extra effort and attention.

My friend and I both hunger to pour into other marriages and see couples grow in their relationships with one another, their children, the world around them, and Christ. We have different specific passions – different ways we hunger to invest in relationships. But, the passion is there for both of us. As I continue to ponder our conversation, that pondering merges with the parenting thought, causing me to realize that our best tool for encouraging Christian couples is the same as the parenting advice: Can you pray in the middle of this?

Whether it’s an argument or a success. A stroll in the park or time apart. A season of closeness or a season of strain. Can you seek the Lord in the middle of it? If not, what’s holding you back?

There are too many times in my own marriage when pride and selfishness have turned my attitude sour and my responses toxic. Instead of praying for the right words, I have spewed out my own idea of justice. Even what I have intended to be positive has often turned ugly because it has come out of a heart that had chosen to not first ensure it was in tune with Christ. I have not sought the Lord in the midst of the situation. On the other hand, as with parenting, I have grown most as a wife in those times when I have been able to seek the One who ordained our marriage, no matter what the circumstances.

Whatever you are dealing with in your marriage right now, can your heart turn to your Savior in the middle of it? If not, please, precious friend, find your way back to Him first. When you do, all other marriage advice will fall into place.

There are days when I am very hesitant to write about marriage, and it’s not just when I feel like a hypocrite. When it comes to marriage, I write to a finite audience: those in functional marriages. I write from a limited perspective: marital health, trust, and growth.

But so many more types of marriage exist. Abusive. Destructive. Unredeemed. Bad. Or even the good ones that are so very different from mine in perspective, experience, history, and personality. Marriages from any of those categories may never fit with the topics and themes that fit with my experience and perspective.

Some will read my posts and say, “That’s so elementary! Doesn’t everyone know that?” Others will excitedly realize they are learning the same thing at the same time. Some will have a light bulb moment while still others will shrug their shoulders and move on – or even resent that I would insinuate that such a marital need exists. (The idea of date night comes to mind.)

But the ones that make my heart ache the most are those who will crumble at my words, despair adding to hopelessness as they once again see what their marriages are not – and may never be.

The “experts” say, “Write what you know.” So, I do. I know a functional marriage that is constantly growing, maturing, and building. So, that is what I write.

But my heart…oh, my aching heart is passionate for those who endure dysfunctional, even abusive marriages. I hurt for them. I pray for them. And I long to support them. So often we as the church want to give them the same advice and counseling we give to functional marriages, but it won’t work, just like my marriage thoughts won’t work. Instead, we have to hear them, pray with them, disciple them, and seek the Lord’s face alongside them.

If you are in a marriage that feels hopeless, painful, and full of despair – if you are in a marriage of abuse and neglect – please hear this:

You Are Not Alone

I’m heartsick over the number of women in abusive marriage, especially those within the church. There are too many! But by extension, that means there are also others who understand what you are going through. Yes, possibly right in your own church. They either are or have at one time been where you are. And I am praying that they will find you or you will find them. Some way, somehow. So you can know that you are not alone. 

You are Seen and Loved

No matter what you’e been told, you are not worthless. You are a beautiful, cherished child of God. He sees you. Fall at His feet. Seek His face. Oh, my friend, let Him draw you into His incredible arms of love and nourish you through the presence of His Holy Spirit and through the care of His children.

Help is Available

Real help. Not advice like this blog or other well-meaning people who can only speak from what they know. There is help that will walk you through a godly, biblical plan of action. Help that does not leave you in danger or despair. My prayer is that God will act to connect you to that real help.

Don’t Let My Words Discourage You

Please. As much as I would love to speak encouragement into your heart and life, the reality is that my words are not for you. You may glean some truth or encouragement from them. Or they may benefit you somewhere down the road. But, most of them will not help you walk your marriage journey.

I love marriage. I am so thankful for the opportunity to mature and grow with my amazing husband. I smile when I think of others who have found what we have found in marriage – some from the get-go and others in the form of beauty from ashes. Wherever you are in the marriage journey, I pray for you to know its beauty. And when you read my words and say, “But it’s not like this for me!” know that my heart and prayers are with you and for you, even when my words are not.

I often feel like a hypocrite when writing marriage articles. One reason is because I struggle so much in my own role as a wife.

Far too often, I feel incapable of speaking my husband’s love language. It comes across much more often as criticism than love, no matter what my intentions may be. I make choices that cause problems instead of solving them. I am needy, and I have a personality that often thrives on things that drive my husband crazy. I struggle to communicate the tasks and issues that fill my day, leaving him feeling uncertain about how to involve himself or help.

The failure seems even more profound on the ministry side of life. I hear other ministers talk about the ways their wives encourage and edify them by knowing the right words to say or sharing the right Scripture or quote with them. They know how to encourage their husbands in struggles and keep them going when they want to quit. I don’t.

Yep, it’s true. I’m not a great wife. Yet somehow my husband still finds me wonderful. He still says he made the right decision all those years ago and wants to keep right on going in this crazy thing called marriage. And goodness knows I’m not going to be foolish enough to run away from an amazing husband who will put up with all of my failures!

And this is why I write.

Despite my failures and my issues, our marriage has worked for nearly nineteen years. We are still growing and still committed to the bond created all those years ago. So, as I share, I get to pass on to you those things that make “us” work. I get to share our successes and our progress. I get to offer you a glimpse into lessons we have learned through experience, growth, and Scripture. And hopefully, in the midst of all of my imperfect sharing, you may also find encouragement and growth that will strengthen your own marriage.

I know I am a very imperfect wife. But, I am an imperfect wife who is loved by an amazing man, washed clean by a holy Savior, and hungry to share the grace and growth that has been mercifully granted to me!

We all know that pride can destroy a marriage in so many ways. Pride keeps us from admitting wrongdoing, acknowledging the wisdom of our spouses, or even simply being willing to allow someone else to get their way even when there is no clear right or wrong. It keeps us from becoming one flesh because we each want to maintain our independence and individuality.

But there is also an aspect of pride that can be strongly beneficial to a marriage: pride in one another.

How often do we vocalize pride in our spouses? And when we do, how well does it resonate? How well does it match the other thoughts we communicate to or about our spouses?

Contemplate this scenario. Over and over again, a child is harped upon to be better at this or work harder at that. Nothing is ever good enough in his behavior or his accomplishments. Every now and then, the child hears his parents say, either directly to him or to someone else, that they are proud of him. But, can he truly believe it? Or has the weight of the criticism mounted so high that the proclamation of pride has a hollow ring to it?

I think this is often what happens in our marriages as well. We criticize, harp, fuss, and complain to the extent that any mention of pride in our spouses falls flat. They just don’t believe us. The rest of the world probably doesn’t either.

My husband makes me proud in so very many ways. Doug plants seeds for so many things that he cannot or will not take credit for. Someone else gladly takes the credit and the glory while he stands humbly by in the shadows. He is more of a servant than anyone I know, but he does so quietly such that few people see his service. He is observant and brilliant. He sees needs far in advance and lays the groundwork for them to be met, sometimes even waiting years for his efforts to come to fruition. He knows how to help others succeed and is not hesitant to give them the limelight. In fact, he much prefers that over any of the light shining on himself.

Because his brilliance and service are quiet and behind the scenes, he is frequently seen as someone without many successes of his own. As a result, he receives so much more criticism than praise from the world around him.

As his wife, I want to be the opposite. I want to make sure to express just how proud I am of him and rave about his strengths and accomplishments. I want him to know how proud I am of him.

Just as selfish pride can destroy a marriage, so can withholding pride in our spouses. May we always be proud of them. May we pour into them. May we never hesitate to tell them and the world just how awesome they are.

Some days I struggle with knowing what to write about marriage.

First of all, I am no marriage expert. We are in our nineteenth year of marriage, but I still have so much left to learn. We have a good, secure marriage, but we still have our ups and downs. The downs always make me nervous about offering any marriage “advice.” I am glad to share our experience in hopes it will help others. But, I never want anyone to be intimidated because they think we have it all together. For the record, we don’t!

I do hunger to encourage others in marriage, though, whether it is young women looking forward to the experience, young marrieds learning how to become one flesh, those who are just going through ups and downs like we are and need some encouragement, or those who are struggling and need a listening ear and a prayer partner. Even when I struggle to know what to write, that desire to encourage prods me on.

Unfortunately, that desire does not answer the question I’m still stuck with. What do I share? If I am to talk about our experiences, what do I say? Our experiences are just so normal.

And then it hits me: we are often ashamed of normal in marriage.

Our entertainment presents the idea that being a settled married couple is boring and to be avoided. We learn from magazines articles and self-help books that it is important to keep marriage exciting and fresh. Normal, mundane, day-to-day marriage is to be avoided if we are ever to survive and remain together.

So, again and again, we see couples work hard to keep their marriages fresh and exciting – and anything but normal. And again and again we see those same marriages fall apart. Why? Because normalcy is inevitable in life.

Just as in our spiritual walk, how we handle the exciting or challenging times of life is not a clear indication of our strength. Instead, our actions during those stretches represent the endurance we have developed during the normal, mundane, and even boring stretches. Those are the times when we can establish discipline, exercise muscles, and solidify the relationships we will lean on in the abnormal times.

Marriage is not about keeping things exciting or interesting or fun. Instead, marriage is about growing in strength during the mundane normalcy of life so we can enjoy the highs of excitement and weather the lows of challenge and struggle. During the normal times, we keep talking to one another. We share the routine details of our lives so we both understand exactly what normal looks like for the other (and can quickly recognize the moment life steps outside the normal bounds). We play together. We establish times of rest together. We “date” one another. We put extra effort into making one another smile and laugh. We pray and study together.

We simply choose to live life intertwined in the normal. Then when the abnormal comes around, we are inseparable, no matter then strain.

I think I just might be proud of the normal.