Category: Marriage

Posted in Marriage

The Shining Light of Marriage

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

Some of my favorite classes in college were in the religion department. The professors made it their goal to challenge and stretch their students, driving us to not just settle for a surface reading of Scripture. They wanted us to dig. To study. To really see. To grasp. I am fortunate to still have the opportunity to learn from those professors as they write and teach even beyond the college classroom, seeking to stretch and grow pastors and anyone else willing to learn (like me!).

Remember the Context

One of those learning opportunities came in the form of a conference in which two professors from my alma mater walked a room of ministers and a few of their spouses (like me!) through the book of Malachi. One reminder they repeatedly hammered into our minds was the importance of keeping all of Malachi in context of the opening passage. The book begins with God’s profession of love for His people. Then it flows quickly into discipline. When reading the harsh words God speaks to His people, it’s easy to forget the love. But, He was disciplining them because of His love. Forgetting the opening profession of love skews the message of the entire book.

What About Marriage?

We have a bad habit of skewing multiple books of Scripture in the same way we might skew Malachi. We pull out a passage at a time, reading or studying in blocks, and forget the big picture of the book or of Scripture as a whole. Marriage is a particularly misused topic. There are quite a few passages on marriage, and studying those passages has resulted in quite the wide array of marriage doctrines. The doctrines seek to hash out what Scripture says about who has what rights and how those rights get to be used. Is the husband in full authority, or does the wife get to share that authority?

As we build those doctrines, we forget two things: First, we’re all bond slaves to Christ. None of us has authority or rights apart from Him. Second, each of the teachings on marriage falls into the context of a greater message to the church, and when we ignore that context, we miss the point.

Strangers and Aliens

About the same time I attended that Malachi conference, I was also taking my Sunday school class through 1 Peter. In my preparation time, I came to the passage in 1 Peter 3 about wives walking in quiet submission to their husbands, and I realized that I had never read that passage in context of the whole of Peter’s epistle. Despite the many times the importance of context had been pounded into my head by my former professors, I’d ignored the context of this passage.

1 Peter is a letter to a church living as “strangers and aliens” in a very fallen world. It is a letter to a church facing persecution. It is a letter reminding Christians that it is a good thing to stand out. To be different. To be holy. Peter is very practical in his letter, walking believers through specific ways they are to stand out from the rest of the world.

The goal is to be so different that everyone notices and is pointed to Christ, whether they accept Him or not.

Into the discussion about how to practically accomplish this goal, Peter drops a statement to Christian wives. The purpose of submission is to cause these women to stand out from the ungodly ones. In doing so, those married to non-Christian men may even have the opportunity to draw their husbands to Christ. Even if they don’t, how many others will notice the difference in them and be drawn to Christ? It’s not about fulfilling a biblical role in marriage. It’s about spreading the truth and light of Christ to a lost world.

A Light in the Darkness

If I look at the context of 1 Peter and even the context of Scripture as a whole, I see that my relationship with my husband is not about who is supposed to be in authority over or submissive to whom. It’s not even about us having a good and biblical marriage. Instead, it’s about the image I as a wife – and, by extension, we as a married couple – present to a very, very fallen world. How I relate to my husband should differ greatly from the way non-Christian wives relate to their husbands. It should stand out. I am a bond-slave of Christ. My only role, goal, and right, even in marriage, lies in my ability to honor Him and shine His light in the midst of this dark world. It is to live a life of unselfish submission that stands in sharp contrast to the get-ahead, me-first nature of this world.

When I view my role in marriage in that perspective, suddenly all of the passages on wifely submission take on a brand new meaning, a meaning that fits so beautifully with Jesus’ direct teaching about the church:

By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another. John 13:35

Posted in Marriage

What’s Really Going On?

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

It’s one of those days when absolutely nothing goes right. Everything you touch seems to be out to get you. Then, your husband walks in the door, and suddenly, he becomes part of “everything.” Every word he says and everything he does seems to be an intentional attack.

If he’s going to “intentionally” aggravate you, you’re going to dish it right back. Whether it’s snapping at everything he says, refusing to cooperate in anything he does, or bringing up old frustrations that feel very unresolved in the moment, you’re going to find a way to make sure he knows just how frustrating he is being.

The Nagging Truth

Somewhere in the back of your mind, there’s this nagging thought that you’re being unreasonable. The truth is that it’s one of those days when it is completely impossible for him to succeed and give you what you want. His words and actions aren’t really aggravating. He is not really frustrating. But you’re frustrated, and it’s easier to lash out at him than accept the truth.

We all have bad days. We all have days when our thoughts drag us into the depths of frustration and our successes seem completely minimal. Perhaps those delightful hormones are out of whack. Maybe we’ve been ignoring the Lord’s voice for a few days. It could be that a sick child has us worried or lack of sleep has us utterly exhausted. A relationship or work situation could be weighing on our mind, or a nagging problem with one of the kids might be making us feel like failures.

There are any number of things that attack our mental well being, and we often don’t have a clue how to pinpoint the source of the attack. Since we can’t put our finger on the real cause, we can’t fix it. So, if we blame it on our husbands, we feel that we’ve come up with at least one solution.

The truth, though, is that wrapping our husbands up with the cause of our issues is not helpful. Believe me. I’ve been there far too many times.

So, what’s the alternative?

First, be honest with yourself.

If you find yourself responding negatively to your husband as soon as he walks in the door, choose to listen to that nagging truth, even if it doesn’t provide the answers you are seeking. You know it’s not him. Choose to act like it, even if you think venting would help you feel better. It won’t. Trust me.

Second, be honest with him.

You want to snap because you think it will make you feel better. Instead, just admit that you’ve had a really lousy day and you’re to the point that everything seems to be compounding that.

Finally, let him help.

No, his hugs won’t solve all your problems, but he’s also not trying to patronize you; he really does want to offer comfort. His jokes are an attempt to make you laugh, not to make light of the situation. His offer to take care of the kids’ supper is not an indication that you’re incapable; he truly wants to help.

When we’re in the middle of feeling rotten, it’s hard to take the time to step back and truly analyze the problem. We’re tired. We’re frustrated. We’re probably close to tears. We don’t really have the energy to figure out what the real problem is. But, we don’t really have to figure out the problem in that moment. We only need to choose honesty and remember that our husbands are not really out to get us.

I can tell you from experience that this is the better way. I don’t always choose it, but I never regret it when I do.

Posted in Marriage

Tending the Foundation

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

Over the years, I have interacted with women who have stepped into the beauty of real marriage after years of exposure to marriages of abuse. Perhaps they watched their parents endure an abusive marriage and never had the chance to see beauty in marriage before God granted them beauty in their own. Or perhaps they lived through spousal abuse themselves. Either way, they are suddenly confronted with what marriage should be: a beautiful picture of Christ’s love for the church.

Each time I talk to one of these precious, precious women, I’m delighted in the things they discover for the first time. No matter who else has seen the beauty in them, there’s something amazing when they’re told they’re beautiful for the first (or hundredth) time by a man who truly loves them. They discover how it feels to be reinforced by the person who knows them best. And they see the respect that exists between husband and wife in a God-honoring marriage. No matter how many times I see it, these three things are repeated. Every time. And it’s always beautiful!

And it’s a reminder to me. I’ll admit, there are days when I do not understand how my husband always sees me as beautiful. I get discouraged even when he builds me up. And, I do not actively express the respect I have for him. But, even when I fail to act on these things, I don’t take them for granted. I know what a blessing they are because I have see the alternative played out over and over again in the lives of other women.

Unforutnately, there are other things that I do take for granted, mainly because it is hard to fathom that marriage can exist without these things. For instance, I take for granted the fact that my husband and I both entered this marriage with a devotion to making it work.

I take for granted that we will make decisions together.

I take for granted that my husband married me, in part, because he wanted to be with me permanently. That I am his favorite person, and all other relationships – except with the Lord – are secondary.

I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that there are several things I assume are realities for every marriage simply because they are realities for me. But they are not. Many, many marriages, even lasting and spiritually growing marriages, exist without the aspects that I consider to be foundational.

So what do I do with that information?

First, I must never make assumptions about someone else’s marriage. I want to encourage couples. I want to see marriages strengthened and grown. I want to see them positively challenged and deepened. But, I must be careful to never assume that another marriage needs what mine needs. There is only one thing we all need – the Lord Jesus Christ at the head of our marriage. Period. If that is true, everything else will fall into place!

Secondly, I need to stop taking aspects of my own marriage for granted. The things that seem most natural are also most foundational to our relationship, and those things need attention just like our weaknesses and growth areas do. Sometimes it might be something as simple as thanking my husband for desiring to be with me. Whatever it is, I need to be intentional about tending our foundation.

How can you tend your foundation this week?

Posted in Marriage

The Real of Marriage

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

I write a lot about marriage, whether directly or indirectly. But, writing advice or sharing lessons learned means nothing if it is not backed up by something real.

Through all of our ups, downs, joys, struggles, times when we loved where we were in life, and times where we begged to be elsewhere, one thing has remained constant: my husband likes being with me. He enjoys our family. He wants to be a part of us.

That’s the “real” that backs up everything I write about marriage.

Our culture is designed to tear marriages apart. Despite the cry for gender equality, a traditional married couple is not expected to enjoy the same things or truly want to spend time together. That can be seen in the fact that, although our society is pulling away from marketing individually to men and women,  husbands and wives are still actively marketed to individually.

Meanwhile, we talk about “girl time” and going “out with the guys” as if our marriages are something we have to escape from every now and then. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love time with my girlfriends. But when that time is considered to be a break from husbands, there’s something wrong. Yet, that is what our society promotes. A break, not just from our kids, but from our husbands as well.

Everything about our culture wants to separate us.

My friends, the “real” of our marriages is our unity. True, beautiful, biblical marriage is two becoming one. We still have our unique personalities and interests, but they blend and merge and overlap such that we can truly be together. Not just coexist. Not just relate. But be. 

Eighteen years ago this month, my amazing husband and I decided that the friendship we’d had for several years was no longer the right relationship between us. But we didn’t just progress from friends to dating. Very shortly after realizing we belonged in a deeper relationship, we went ahead and set a wedding date. So, today, I do not write advice or lessons learned. Instead, I write of gratitude and deep thankfulness. This is an effort to show profound appreciation to the man who has chosen to be with me for nearly eighteen years. He tells me that the decision to be with me was the best decision he’s ever made, and, as crazy as it seems for someone to truly want to be with me, I believe him. Because I know that every days confirms that God brought us together, and every day that sense of joy in being together grows. Every day.

That’s the reality that backs up everything I say. Not fluff. Not idealistic answers for marriage. Not even training in marital counseling. Just eighteen years of being.

Posted in Marriage

The Way We Think

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

As homeschooling has developed and grown over the years, many families have discovered a fantastic reality: school doesn’t always have to look like school! Homeschoolers have the beautiful freedom to tailor an education to a single child. This fall, I don’t have to walk my youngest through fourth grade the same way I taught his older sisters. By the time my seventh grader reaches her sophomore year of high school, the practical details of her daily work load will shape up very differently than it will with my oldest this year, even if they take the exact same courses!

To accomplish this customization, I have spent years exploring learning styles and special needs. Processing every bit of information I’ve taken in – even information about needs none of my children have – I’ve been able to explore what does and does not work for each child. And, I learn something new every single year. It’s a journey of constant discovery, and exploring how they learn has allowed me to get to know my children in a very precious way.

Learning Styles & Marriage

For some reason, though, until recently I have never really contemplated how learning styles affect marital relationships. It’s not that I haven’t pondered the way my husband learns, especially the ways his mental processing differs from mine. I have. That sort of observation just comes naturally to me, so I’ve observed his learning style for years and marveled at our differences. But, although you’d think it obvious for someone like me to make the connection, I have never really reflected on how our learning differences have impacted our marriage, for good or for ill.

Fortunately, even if I haven’t reflected on that impact, I have automatically responded to it over the years.

Consider these realities:

– How we learn affects how we present information. If we learn best through picture or illustration, we will use as much illustration as possible when passing information on to others. If we are more black and white, then we will be direct and pack as much information as possible into a short amount of speech.
– We receive what others are communicating based on the way our brains process information. Consider the presentation thoughts and turn them around. How would you receive information offered by someone who presents differently than you do?
– Misunderstandings often arise based on differences in mental processing, sometimes resulting in fights and anger simply because of communication differences.

Now, stop and think for a moment. How do you process information? How do you explain what you’re thinking? How does that compare to your spouse’s methods of processing and communication?

Here’s another point to ponder. Does your spouse communicate and process with you the same way he does with other people?

All of these thoughts and realizations rained down on me just recently as I described something I was thinking to my husband. He doesn’t need word pictures, but I do. And, on so many occasions, he has patiently listened as I’ve described my word pictures in detail, processing out loud as I try to explain to him what I’m thinking. Meanwhile, another recent conversation made me realize that he’s comfortable communicating with me in ways that he does not communicate with others, leading to unique discussion situations that do not occur anywhere else in his life. So, I have to evaluate our private conversations differently than I do our public conversations.

Oh, what an impact his patience and my discernment – or lack thereof on both accounts – have on our marriage!

There is no single solution for effective communication in marriage. But, when we make the effort to have a well-rounded understanding of our spouses and their personalities, our ability to communicate with one another can grow by leaps and bounds.

Posted in Marriage

Our Own Beauty

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

I’m a bit spoiled when it comes to web design. You see, I work for a woman who has amazing talent when it comes to design. Whether online or in print, she – and her daughters – can turn the most simple of publications into something extraordinary. It’s not hard for them, either. It just comes naturally.

So, yesterday as I sat down to try to spruce up my own blog a bit, I felt more than a little plain. Like my blog was a wasteland up against the beauty I’m accustomed to. I had no idea where to start to make my blog attractive or to add neat features. I could only take standard themes and try to spruce them up a bit. Even then, I was never sure if I was doing it right.

Now, let’s stop and consider this for a minute.

I work for a publishing company. It is our business to make things attractive. Design is part of the branding my boss has worked long and hard to establish. And, do you know what I do for the company? I work with words. Not design. Words. Sometimes even the gibberish words of html. But, always words, letters, characters, text. That’s who I am. That’s what I do.

This blog reflects me, not the company I work for. This blog is about words.

Turn that thought around a bit and consider how many times thoughts like these impact our marriages. We step out into the world and interact with a wide variety of talents, strengths, personalities, and lifestyles. We immerse ourselves in them. We connect with them. We see the wow factor of other people. Then we come home and see…plain.

Our normal becomes less than enough because we think it does not measure up to the normal we perceive in others. Our family is not __________ enough. Our home lacks __________. Our marriage is not ___________.

Oh, my dear friend, you are not meant to be them! Your marriage was not made to be theirs. Your home was not intended to be like that. You, dear friend, have something very unique and very special. You have a beauty all your own – one that no one else can replicate or enjoy.

As you look at your marriage this week, make a determination to see the beauty of who you are as a couple. Not who you are compared to your neighbors or that “perfect” couple at church. Who you are in the sight of God. Who you are compared to who you were meant to be.

May God be the standard by which you view who He made you to be. And in that, my friend, you will see a beauty that is all your own.

Posted in Marriage

The Beauty of Giving

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

As various gift-giving occasions come and go each year, I can’t help but contemplate the pressure to give that perfect gift. Unfortunately, this is not just based in our desire to show love. Our society piles on the pressure, throwing suggestions our way through advertising or taunting us with the “what did you do this year?” queries.

Whether it’s the perfect Valentine’s gift, the best birthday surprise, the most meaningful Mother’s Day or Father’s Day treasure, or the grandest Christmas gift, we can be easily left feeling like failures in the gift-giving department – even if our loved ones truly delight in their gifts!

As Christians, we are called to stand out. To be set apart. To be different. What if we were to practice that in gift-giving as well? What if we were to ignore society’s expectations and give gifts according to a higher standard?

Clarity

When you look at your husband and say, “Let’s just go small this year,” what exactly do you mean. Do you mean no gifts, just time together? Do you mean only $100 each instead of $500? Or do you mean those small diamond earrings you’ve been eying for months rather than the new mattress you’ve discussed?

Offer your husband the gift of clarity as gift-giving occasions roll around. Don’t drop hints or remain vague in hopes that he will think of the perfect gift all on his own. Communicate! And encourage him to do the same. You might be amazed by the gift ideas that arise through communication.

Which leads to the next gift…

Honesty

Okay, ladies, let’s get real. It might be the cultural norm to look at your husband and say, “You don’t have to get me anything this year,” while inside you’re thinking, “Yeah, right, you know me better than that!” But, if that’s the culture norm, then we are a culture of liars.

And that’s not okay for general life, much less for marriage. And it’s definitely not okay for believers to automatically distrust one another’s words because lying has become the norm in relationships. (Remember the whole “set apart” concept?)

Years ago, early in our marriage, my husband got me an awesome kitchen appliance for Christmas. It had a wall-mounted charging base that held a hand-held mixer and several attachments. I loved that thing! But Doug was raked over the coals for his “horrible” gift. In fact, a pastor and his wife informed him in no uncertain terms that I might have asked for that mixer, but it was NOT appropriate for a Christmas gift. Then, when I told them it was exactly what I wanted for Christmas, they assured both of us that I was lying just to keep from hurting his feelings.

Right then and there, Doug and I committed to honesty. Period. There are few better gifts we’ve ever given to one another, in my opinion.

Freedom

The last one is, yes, freedom. Not freedom from one another, but freedom from those cultural norms established by society and perpetuated even by believers. Give your husband freedom from the expectation to do things just like everyone else.

Just because jewelry and power tools are the societal norm (at least, according to the advertisers!), don’t force one another into that mold. Instead, share your hearts. The resulting gifts might still come in the form of a piece of jewelry or a power tool, but it might also come in the form of time or words or energy or activity.

But also, be patient with one another while you figure it out. The pressure to give – or share the receipt of – that perfect gift is still strong. Take a breath, enjoy one another, and give to each other based on that enjoyment.

And see your relationship grow because of it.

Posted in Marriage

The Marriage Compound

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

The movie Jerry Maquire came out while I was in college. Many of my peers loved it, but I was never too fond of it for a wide variety of reasons. But the one that is relevant to my thoughts today is the whole idea of, “You complete me.” This just did not resonate with me. But it would be years before I would really understand why.

You see, I was never incomplete.

I look around and see young men and women who feel they must be in a relationship to be whole. They cannot thrive without a significant other by their side. Sadly, that mentality is becoming ingrained in even our young children, as fourth and fifth graders believe they must be in exclusive “relationships.”

Ultimately, they all believe they are incomplete without that relationship.

I could go on and on about the danger of this mentality among our children, youth, and young adults. But, that’s another discussion for another time. For now, I am overwhelmed by the implication this mentality has on the married people of our society.

The idea that we need a spouse for completion makes two presuppositions.

First, it presents the idea that we are incomplete before marriage. Oh, my friends, that is a lie! I said it once, and I will say it again: I was never incomplete. At least, I have not been incomplete since the day I surrendered to Christ’s lordship and He made me whole. Perhaps I was lonely for the type of relationship that can only come from marriage. Maybe certain aspects of my life could never be truly fleshed out without a husband. It’s possible that I hungered for what I would become as a wife, and I sought someone who would help me see that particular fulfillment. But I was not incomplete.

Secondly, this mentality places on our spouses a responsibility they were never meant to carry. They cannot make up for what we lack. If we lack completion, it is because we lack Christ. No human being can fill that hole.

So, if marriage does not complete us, what does it accomplish? After all, the Bible speaks of us as two becoming one. Does that not mean that we fit together like a puzzle?

What if we were to think instead of marriage as a compound?

Think back with me to those science basics we learned years and years…and years…ago. A compound occurs when two elements are combined to form something new. The two elements cannot be easily separated once they are joined. Take water, for instance. Hydrogen and oxygen are elements with their own identities and their own usefulness. But when they come together, they form something brand new – water. Water cannot be used for the purposes hydrogen or oxygen were intended. Neither can hydrogen or oxygen be used in place of water.

Marriage accomplishes the same purpose. When we join together as husband and wife, something new is formed. I can never again be what I was as a single woman. If I try to do so within my marriage, I will only cripple the new creation that God has formed through the union with my husband. If I try to step out of the marriage to reclaim what I once was, I will never succeed. Instead, I will be constantly battling the scars formed by a forced separation. But if I embrace who I am as Doug’s wife and who we are together as a couple, there is much that can be accomplished!

I am not more or less complete than I was before marriage. But I am very different. I’m something new. A creative work of God that is beautiful and amazing in its own way. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.