Category: Family

Posted in Marriage

The Beauty of Giving

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

As various gift-giving occasions come and go each year, I can’t help but contemplate the pressure to give that perfect gift. Unfortunately, this is not just based in our desire to show love. Our society piles on the pressure, throwing suggestions our way through advertising or taunting us with the “what did you do this year?” queries.

Whether it’s the perfect Valentine’s gift, the best birthday surprise, the most meaningful Mother’s Day or Father’s Day treasure, or the grandest Christmas gift, we can be easily left feeling like failures in the gift-giving department – even if our loved ones truly delight in their gifts!

As Christians, we are called to stand out. To be set apart. To be different. What if we were to practice that in gift-giving as well? What if we were to ignore society’s expectations and give gifts according to a higher standard?

Clarity

When you look at your husband and say, “Let’s just go small this year,” what exactly do you mean. Do you mean no gifts, just time together? Do you mean only $100 each instead of $500? Or do you mean those small diamond earrings you’ve been eying for months rather than the new mattress you’ve discussed?

Offer your husband the gift of clarity as gift-giving occasions roll around. Don’t drop hints or remain vague in hopes that he will think of the perfect gift all on his own. Communicate! And encourage him to do the same. You might be amazed by the gift ideas that arise through communication.

Which leads to the next gift…

Honesty

Okay, ladies, let’s get real. It might be the cultural norm to look at your husband and say, “You don’t have to get me anything this year,” while inside you’re thinking, “Yeah, right, you know me better than that!” But, if that’s the culture norm, then we are a culture of liars.

And that’s not okay for general life, much less for marriage. And it’s definitely not okay for believers to automatically distrust one another’s words because lying has become the norm in relationships. (Remember the whole “set apart” concept?)

Years ago, early in our marriage, my husband got me an awesome kitchen appliance for Christmas. It had a wall-mounted charging base that held a hand-held mixer and several attachments. I loved that thing! But Doug was raked over the coals for his “horrible” gift. In fact, a pastor and his wife informed him in no uncertain terms that I might have asked for that mixer, but it was NOT appropriate for a Christmas gift. Then, when I told them it was exactly what I wanted for Christmas, they assured both of us that I was lying just to keep from hurting his feelings.

Right then and there, Doug and I committed to honesty. Period. There are few better gifts we’ve ever given to one another, in my opinion.

Freedom

The last one is, yes, freedom. Not freedom from one another, but freedom from those cultural norms established by society and perpetuated even by believers. Give your husband freedom from the expectation to do things just like everyone else.

Just because jewelry and power tools are the societal norm (at least, according to the advertisers!), don’t force one another into that mold. Instead, share your hearts. The resulting gifts might still come in the form of a piece of jewelry or a power tool, but it might also come in the form of time or words or energy or activity.

But also, be patient with one another while you figure it out. The pressure to give – or share the receipt of – that perfect gift is still strong. Take a breath, enjoy one another, and give to each other based on that enjoyment.

And see your relationship grow because of it.

Posted in Marriage

The Marriage Compound

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

The movie Jerry Maquire came out while I was in college. Many of my peers loved it, but I was never too fond of it for a wide variety of reasons. But the one that is relevant to my thoughts today is the whole idea of, “You complete me.” This just did not resonate with me. But it would be years before I would really understand why.

You see, I was never incomplete.

I look around and see young men and women who feel they must be in a relationship to be whole. They cannot thrive without a significant other by their side. Sadly, that mentality is becoming ingrained in even our young children, as fourth and fifth graders believe they must be in exclusive “relationships.”

Ultimately, they all believe they are incomplete without that relationship.

I could go on and on about the danger of this mentality among our children, youth, and young adults. But, that’s another discussion for another time. For now, I am overwhelmed by the implication this mentality has on the married people of our society.

The idea that we need a spouse for completion makes two presuppositions.

First, it presents the idea that we are incomplete before marriage. Oh, my friends, that is a lie! I said it once, and I will say it again: I was never incomplete. At least, I have not been incomplete since the day I surrendered to Christ’s lordship and He made me whole. Perhaps I was lonely for the type of relationship that can only come from marriage. Maybe certain aspects of my life could never be truly fleshed out without a husband. It’s possible that I hungered for what I would become as a wife, and I sought someone who would help me see that particular fulfillment. But I was not incomplete.

Secondly, this mentality places on our spouses a responsibility they were never meant to carry. They cannot make up for what we lack. If we lack completion, it is because we lack Christ. No human being can fill that hole.

So, if marriage does not complete us, what does it accomplish? After all, the Bible speaks of us as two becoming one. Does that not mean that we fit together like a puzzle?

What if we were to think instead of marriage as a compound?

Think back with me to those science basics we learned years and years…and years…ago. A compound occurs when two elements are combined to form something new. The two elements cannot be easily separated once they are joined. Take water, for instance. Hydrogen and oxygen are elements with their own identities and their own usefulness. But when they come together, they form something brand new – water. Water cannot be used for the purposes hydrogen or oxygen were intended. Neither can hydrogen or oxygen be used in place of water.

Marriage accomplishes the same purpose. When we join together as husband and wife, something new is formed. I can never again be what I was as a single woman. If I try to do so within my marriage, I will only cripple the new creation that God has formed through the union with my husband. If I try to step out of the marriage to reclaim what I once was, I will never succeed. Instead, I will be constantly battling the scars formed by a forced separation. But if I embrace who I am as Doug’s wife and who we are together as a couple, there is much that can be accomplished!

I am not more or less complete than I was before marriage. But I am very different. I’m something new. A creative work of God that is beautiful and amazing in its own way. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.