Category: Thoughts from Life

Posted in Thoughts from Kids, Thoughts from Life

The Smallest Acts

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

It was the summer of 2017, my son’s first experience with summer camp.

So many details of that summer were chaotic. My husband was heading to Peru at the same time we were heading to camp. I was the only adult taking several girls to PraiseWorks, the youth version of the camp, and there wasn’t an adult available to accompany my son Steven to JoyWorks, the children’s side. We finagled the details so he could hang out with another church, knowing that I was staying on the same campus and could be available to help when needed. But, it was still a bit crazy sending my 10-year-old son to navigate the campus and make sure he was on time to all of his activities.

My amazing kid rose to the challenge without fear or hesitation, and he enjoyed the week. But if you ask him about it these days, a very short 45-minute track session is all that matters to him. That 45 minutes completely changed my son’s life.

Children who go to JoyWorks spend a week participating in choir rehearsals, enjoying times of worship, and attending six track sessions that introduce them to different worship arts skills. One of those track sessions is an introduction to guitar. Campers walk in to find three-quarter sized, nylon stringed beginner guitars specially designed to introduce children to the instrument. The track leader then walks them through guitar basics, including naming the parts of a guitar, describing a chord, and teaching them a few chords.

When it was Steven’s turn for guitar track, he was the last child in his group to walk into the room — and all the guitars were taken. Quick on the uptake, the track leader, Caleb, didn’t miss a beat. He handed my son his own guitar and began to lead the track, borrowing the guitar back from my son when needed to demonstrate a skill.

On the surface, there was nothing truly unique or special about the track. Caleb, a regular at the camp, was a young man who was passionate about guitar, worship, ministry, and children. He encountered a brief problem, saw a quick solution, and handed a 10-year-old boy a guitar to make sure he could participate. I have a feeling he never dreamed that brief action, followed by a quick 45-minute group lesson, would completely and totally change that little boy’s life.

But it did.

Steven came home after that week and picked up his grandfather’s guitar, a dreadnought far too big for him. But he didn’t care. He wanted to play. The next couple of years saw several starts and stops before he truly committed to learning how to play guitar. But, over time, guitar became his “thing.” Others started to notice, and someone gave him a hand-me-down electric guitar to play around with. Then he inherited his greatest treasure, his great-grandfather’s Gibson. Other guitars have been added to his collection over the years (including a second treasured 50+ year-old Gibson!), and he has become quite an accomplished guitarist.

And he attributes it all to the investment of one young man in a 45-minute guitar class seven years ago.

This year, my son went to his last camp, this time as a senior at PraiseWorks. On the last day, he got to see Caleb and tell him thank you one more time. I’m thankful my son recognizes the impact. I’m glad he’s been able to say thank you.

It’s a powerful reminder that we have absolutely no idea how our normal, everyday actions can completely change a life.

The glorious truth is that when we walk in obedience, doing what God has put right in front of us and responding even to the smallest nudges of the Spirit, He can use us in extraordinary ways. Sometimes we get to see the results of those small actions, but often we may never know what our actions and words accomplish. Let’s invest anyway.

May our lives be so in tune with the Spirit that He can impact others this way at any time, in any situation, even in the smallest acts — whether we are aware of it or not.

Posted in Thoughts from Life

I Was Wrong

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

Have you ever noticed how some words are so hard to say? You may know them to be true beyond all shadow of a doubt. But actually saying words verbally or writing them publicly moves truth from an idea to an action, something that you are putting your identity and reputation behind.

I love you holds specific connotation in our culture, and speaking those words out loud marks the speaker in a very specific manner.

I need goes against the core mentality of rugged individualism or the false mantra that God helps those who help themselves. We all need, yet we fear showing weakness by verbally admitting that need.

I am sorry admits that we have caused hurt. We struggle to let go of our intentions long enough to admit that others can be harmed by our words and actions — yes, sometimes even when we believe we have said or done the right thing.

One of the hardest things to say, though, can often be I was wrong.

I’ve been wrong many times in my life, but I also have a personality strongly inclined toward perfectionism. I vividly remember being a child who identified “wrong” as “bad.” If I was wrong, I was imperfect, and therefore I was a bad person. Not just a growing person who had made a mistake or a bad decision. Nope. A bad person to the core. And if I was wrong, and therefore by nature bad, how could people love me? How could my parents tolerate me? How could God desire to claim me? How would I ever have friends or eventually find a man who would be willing to be married to me if I was a bad person? Therefore, I had to be right. Yes, even as a child who had so very much to learn. Because otherwise I was doomed.

Typing those words, I realized how extreme and unrealistic they seem, yet I was well into my adult years before I began to even make the smallest steps toward clearing these thought processes from my mind. (And no, I have not fully succeeded, even knowing what I know today.)

It started with needing to learn how to say the words I was wrong to my husband and children, admitting to them where I’d failed them. In the process, a miracle happened. The thing I’d always feared, that admitting being wrong would drive people to hate me, was actually revealed to be the opposite of the truth. Refusing to admit my imperfection is what drove people away. Admitting when I was wrong actually bound us closer together! (No, I don’t always do this well. Sometimes I’m still pretty bad at it. But I’m learning and growing!)

Funny, isn’t it, that I had to admit to being wrong about a core belief — the idea that being wrong meant I was bad and unlovable — in order to learn that it’s a good thing to admit to being wrong? And that admission has led me to let go of a variety of other long-held, but incorrect, beliefs.

There’s one thing I’ve never been wrong about, though: the truth of Jesus Christ. At times I’ve been wrong about my understanding of Him. I’ve been wrong about some of my interpretations of His Word. I’ve been wrong about some theological understandings and about some of the traditional beliefs I’ve claimed without truly holding them up to the light of Scripture.

But each time I’ve admitted to being wrong in those areas, the Holy Spirit has used that admission to draw me closer to the truth. To give me a heightened understanding of God.

In the process, He’s also given me a greater passion to share His truth with the world around me. Because I hunger for them to see that the sacrifice of Jesus Christ allows them to know God, too! To know truth so they can walk in righteousness!

The problem is that fear tries to temper my passion to share. What if I say the wrong thing…again? How can others trust me to tell them about the Word of God if I don’t know perfectly yet?

In addition to learning to admit when I’ve been wrong, I’ve also had to learn to go ahead and share what I know now. I’ve had to learn to openly admit that what I say is based on what I understand now, but that I hope to be always growing until my understanding is made complete in eternity. This is a great opportunity to encourage others to learn and grow for themselves. To study and explore and find out for themselves whether or not I’m right (and to come back and share with me!).

It’s liberating, to be honest. I can be wrong!

I do still struggle. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. I still hate to be wrong. I still fear what people will think of me if I admit to being wrong. But I have also learned the freedom of that admission, and the freedom is gradually holding more sway over my actions.

Only Jesus Himself was never wrong. I hunger to be more like Him every day. But in the process, I’ll point to His righteousness and be thankful that He covers me, even when I’m wrong.

Posted in Thoughts from Life

If We Had to Wait

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve had writing ideas form in my mind at odd times. The problem with those odd times has been that they were not times when I could jot down my ideas or talk them out with other people…at least not in that instant. And by the time I could get to a spot to jot them down, sometimes just a few minutes later, they were gone.

I could be concerned about my memory (and maybe I should be!), but this is just normal life for me and has been for, well, pretty much all of my life. “Great” ideas pop in and out of my head in an annoying instant, leaving me wishing I could have a running recording of my brain to reference whenever I wanted to retrieve those amazing thoughts.

But, then I have to ask the question…are they really that amazing?

Long ago, I started praying that God would bring back to my mind any thoughts I’d forgotten that were truly good, true, righteous, and worthy to be shared. I’d forced things enough times to know that sometimes I just needed to let ideas go instead of trying to explain them. There are times when He has brought the ideas back, sometimes in even greater clarity. But many other times, including the last couple of weeks, the ideas have just disappeared, never to return.

I have to trust that they weren’t worthy of sharing.

That realization leaves me wondering about my words on a daily basis. All of those things that I just say when they come to mind. My responses during a discussion or conversation. My spur-of-the-moment ideas that burst from me at a time when I can say them out loud to someone. My answers to questions. My reactions to emotional experiences, both positive and negative.

What if I couldn’t say any of those things immediately? What if I always had to wait at least a few minutes, with life and thoughts and interactions moving on without truly leaving space for preserving those words? How many of those words would endure? How many of the things I feel I just have to say would prove to be truly worthy?

What if we always had to wait? How much would change about our speech? Our relationships? Our interactions?

Sometimes I actually do bite my tongue. I don’t say what I think I should say. What I think would fit so perfectly. And often when I succeed in that endeavor, I find within a couple of minutes that my words would not have been helpful. I discover that silence fit much better.

That’s not to indicate that everything we say is bad. But sometimes waiting, just a few moments even, can make all the difference in our ability to live out the psalmist’s prayer that the words of our mouths and the meditations of our heart would be acceptable to our Redeemer (Psalm 19:14).

We are not forced to wait. But we can develop that habit. We can pause, just for a moment, and listen to the Spirit’s wisdom. We can choose to wait for Him to affirm our words as being a taste of righteousness or convict us of the need to guard our tongues.

That’s a habit I want to develop. I’m far from it, but I want it to be my aim. I hunger to always pause, to hear the Spirit’s voice well, and to have both my words and my silence be a positive contribution to the nourishment and encouragement of those around me.

I don’t have to wait. But I want to choose to wait.

Posted in Thoughts from Life

Ready?

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

As I sit down to write, I’m enjoying a delicious fresh peach, picked last week from one of our own peach trees. We’ve planted peach trees in four of the last five towns we’ve lived in, but we’ve rarely been able to enjoy those peaches. Usually it’s because God has moved us before the trees have become mature enough to harvest, leaving a gift of peach trees behind for whoever came next.

This year, though, spring brought hope! First came the rumor that this year was expected to be a year of peach abundance. Somehow a variety of factors were supposedly coming together to produce a bountiful crop in a wide range of growing regions.

Second was the realization that our young trees were at the right age to produce their first real harvest.

Finally, for the first time in our personal peach tree planting history, I’d researched the best way and time to prune peach trees rather than going with the general guidance for fruit trees. (Did you know peach trees need a different approach from other fruit trees? Yeah, I’d missed that before this year.) I tackled that task with a bit of trepidation, sure my big-time black thumb and I would kill the trees. Within a few weeks, though, it was very obvious I had not. The remaining branches were literally bursting with blooms, followed by evidence of newly developing fruit. A late frost threatened to damage the blooms and baby peaches, but temps stayed just a few degrees above the danger threshold, much to our delight.

Over the following months, we watched closely. We knew it wouldn’t be a huge harvest because the trees were still quite young, but it looked like we’d get several dozen peaches! We thinned out where too many peaches were growing too closely together. We smelled the amazing fragrance of growing fruit. And we prayed that the squirrels would leave them alone.

The particular breed of tree we planted usually produces mature peaches by sometime in July. But, around mid-June, as we started to notice a change from greenish-yellow to a pretty orange on some of the fruit, we began to wonder if it was wise to wait until July.

One afternoon as we passed by the trees on our way up to church, we randomly checked on a couple of the peaches. They were a bit fuzzy, turning orange, and had a slight give when I lightly squeezed them. We picked them and shared one as we walked. It was mouthwateringly delicious!

And about a month earlier than we expected.

We almost didn’t check, simply because we didn’t expect the peaches to be ripe for a few more weeks. It was a whim. Maybe a bit of impatience. Who knows? But we checked. And we were rewarded, not only that day but over the course of the next couple of weeks as a few more peaches ripened each day.

That sometimes feels like the nature of readiness. It rarely falls when we expect or when we want. It’s often inconvenient and frequently frustrating. It requires watchfulness and expectancy, sometimes taking us by surprise when it comes early. But more frequently it discourages us by its delay.

We want readiness, whether in ourselves or in our circumstances, on our timetable. Not too early and not too late. When it fits with our busy schedules. When it will produce what we perceive to be maximum results. When it causes the least inconvenience.

I don’t know about you, but that’s rarely been my experience. Typically readiness has come much earlier than I was prepared for or exhaustingly later than I hoped. And yet somehow also at just the right time.

That “somehow” probably has something to do with the fact that God holds every detail of life and existence in the palm of His hand, and He has no trouble ensuring that readiness occurs in a perfect season, even if we can’t quite fathom that perfection.

I’m thankful for early peaches. Our summer schedule involves being away at camp the week I really expected the peaches to mature. By then, we’ll not only have picked them all but will have either eaten or put away the delicious little harvest. Readiness happened at an ideal time. Even at a time when we were able to share some of the first ones we picked with our daughter who lives over two hours away, thanks to an unexpected trip her direction!

Readiness isn’t on our timetable. It’s in the hands of our Creator. Whether earlier or later than we expect, He’s always right on time for His will to be accomplished.

May we tune our hearts and minds to an expectancy that allows us to enjoy His readiness as much as we enjoy a delicious fresh peach. Because His will is just as perfect and delicious, no matter when it happens.

Posted in Faith Nuggets, Thoughts from Life

Joyful & Triumphant Adoration

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

I came across this old post this morning. Originally written over a decade ago around Christmas time, it still resonates with a reminder I need today. Every day. So thankful for the Spirit’s whispers to my heart, rather it’s from the words of others or from reminders of things He’s spoken to my heart in the past. 

As I opened my journal to write out my thoughts and prayers this morning, my heart felt heavy. At first I couldn’t even think what to write. Where should I begin? How could I turn it all over to the Lord?

In my heart and mind I felt the jumble of needs.

The spiritual weight of several people I love who have never surrendered to the Lord. Or those who have surrendered but are distant from Him now, hurting themselves and others with that distance.

The emotional weight of watching people dear to me struggle under grief, uncertainty, and need.

The mental weight of seeing my own schedule and todo list, wondering how to balance it all while still being available for my family and the ministry needs around me.

I just didn’t know how to begin to pour it all out before the Lord.

But we had music playing – instrumental Christmas music. The song running at the time was a piano version of “O Come All Ye Faithful.”

The first line ran through my mind as I listened:

O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant

All I could think to write was,

Joyful and triumphant? That’s not how I feel this morning, Lord. But I will still come adore You. For You alone truly are worthy.

Do you realize that He is not just worthy – He is faithful? Oh, so very, very faithful. Powerfully faithful. And in that moment, He showed that faithfulness to me.

Not many words followed on my journal page, but one powerful thought took control: the reminder that He can take any of the things weighing down on my heart and use them for His glory.

But, it doesn’t stop there. He doesn’t just take any of it. He takes all of it. Let that sink in a minute. There is no picking and choosing. There is no sense that He has to prioritize and only handle certain things for His glory. No, He has the power to take all of it – every single thing that weighs us down – and glorify Himself through it.

It still doesn’t stop there, though. He not only has the power and the ability. He not only can. He will. There is a certainty.

He will do it!!

Not some. All.

Maybe not the way I would choose or want. Maybe not in any way I can foresee. And maybe still not without heartache on our part. But, it will be the way that is, beyond a doubt, best. And He will be glorified.

What is weighing you down this week? What has you maxed out and overwhelmed. What has you in tears? What has you anxious and stressed?

Whatever it is, be assured that He will use it beautifully for His glory.

May I share something with you, my friends? I feel it now. The struggles are still there. But now the joy and triumph are too. Oh, what a mighty God we serve who can turn that around in a matter of seconds!

Will you come adore Him with me?

Posted in Thoughts from Life

The Work of Learning

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

Let’s set a scene for a moment. Child comes in from school. Parent, grandparent or other adult is waiting, ready to start a conversation, hoping to discover how the school day went. Despite all of the hopes of the adult, the conversation frequently ends up being little more than a brief exchange, going something like this:

“What did you learn today?”
“Nothing.”

You just might be chuckling right now as you connect those words to familiar voices. You’ve probably overheard that exchange once or twice, if not had it yourself. It’s possible you’ve even been on both sides of the conversation. The adult sometimes pushes, hoping the child will dig a little deeper and realize that learning really has occurred. Other times, the adult simply chuckles, recognizing the truth that, even if the exchange remains exactly the same day after day after day, it will be obvious by the end of the year that the child did, in fact, learn a great deal through the course of the year.

Every single day, students receive information, engage with it, process it, and reinforce the learning of it through discussions, projects, and tests. Learning happens slowly but steadily, reinforced through the very system that they often assume is failing them because they don’t tangibly see what they learned that day, week, month, or year. Learning is work. It takes time. But our educational systems are designed to guide students through that lengthy process in such a way that they don’t even realizing the work is truly…well…working.

Now, I admit that not all of our educational systems are successful. That’s another discussion for another time and place. But the point is that learning happens for students whether they are consciously aware of it or not, simply because they are engaged in a system that helps them engage with the information presented to them. It is a system designed to equip the learning process.

Then we graduate and the system changes. We have avenues for learning how to meet the demands of our jobs. And we have demands that insist we learn even when there are not systems in place to help us with the learning. Tax season insists that we learn how to file properly. Life management requires that we learn how to keep up with cleaning and maintenance of our homes and vehicles.

But, there is so much more to learn than just how to do our jobs or pay our taxes or maintain homes and vehicles. A wide range of personal growth awaits us throughout our adult years. It’s just so easy to miss that growth because we lack the automatic systems that present the information we need before guiding us through a pattern of reinforcement.

So, we have to create those systems ourselves. We have to build habits of taking in, processing, and engaging with new information. And we have to make ourselves push through, even as they days, weeks, and months pass with us feeling like that child who has learned “nothing” in school. Just like that child, we don’t see the increments of growth. We’ll only discover it when we look back after a year or two, or maybe even ten, and see how we are different now. How our understanding has grown. How our patterns have changed. How our hobbies or habits or skills are more developed.

Friends, that’s hard work.

But it’s worthwhile work. It’s worth it to have a huge “to be read” stack of personal growth books. It’s beneficial to make yourself journal something every single day even if it’s hard to pinpoint what stood out. It’s progress when you keep practicing, keeping pounding, keep persevering even when you don’t benefit or progress from your effort.

It’s worth it because you’re learning something, even when it feels like nothing. Yes, it’s hard work. Yes, it seems as pointless as sitting in a classroom often did when you were a student. But, at the end of the year, you’ll be able to look back and see that somewhere along the way you really did learn. You grew. You improved. You advanced. You progressed.

That’s the hard work of learning. And it’s worthwhile. So, what have you learned today?

Posted in Thoughts from Life

Upstream

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

Have you ever watched fish in a river or stream swim against the current? It’s truly fascinating, especially in those moments when they swim but seem to make no progress.

It’s how I feel so very often. Like I’m pumping those fins but not getting anywhere. I’m trying to make progress in learning and growing and serving in the kingdom of God, but I fill as if I’m going nowhere and simply exhausting myself in the process.

I don’t know much about the science behind why fish swim against the current, but I can think of a few reasons why it would make sense. In some locations, if fish flowed with the current, they would eventually wash out to sea where they would die in an environment unsuited to them. And we all know the fascinating behavior of salmon who swim upstream to spawn in the same place where they themselves were spawned.

Despite my ignorance of the science behind why these fish behave the way they do, I know one thing for certain. They behave the way God designed them to behave. He created them with this natural drive to swim against the current. If He did it, it is good.

Do I trust that truth for myself as well? Do I trust that all of my struggles in life, in learning, and in serving are still in His hand? That He is guiding and strengthening and working in me even when it feels that I’m flapping away and make zero progress?

Do I trust that, no matter what, His engagement in my life is good?

I don’t really have a biblical reason to compare myself to a fish swimming against the current. It’s simply a reflection of how I feel sometimes. When I see a fish swimming with all its might and going nowhere, I identify with this living illustration from nature.

But there are truths that I do have biblical reason to believe. I share the yoke with Him, and His yoke is easy. His burden is light on my shoulders. Yes, even in the middle of the current. Even when I’m flapping my fins and feeling like I’m going nowhere.

I’m in that season right now where it feels like I’m not making any progress. But my heavenly Father is constant, and His Spirit is still whispering truths to my heart and mind. He is still growing me and drawing me closer to Himself, even when it feels like I am not truly making progress.

So, I’ll keep flapping those fins. I’ll keep swimming. And I’ll trust the progress to His faithfulness.

Posted in Thoughts from Life

So Many Words

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

I’ve struggled in writing lately. A few weeks ago, I had a couple of days when the words just flowed. They weren’t ready to be published, and I still don’t know where they’ll go, but they poured out of me through my fingers.

Then they stopped.

Some days I’d write and then delete because it just wouldn’t all come together. The thoughts were there, but the ability to communicate them failed me. Other days there was just nothing. No thought. No inspiration. No nothing.

For a writer, that feels bad, something to be overcome. No writer wants to admit to writer’s block, and suggestions abound for working out of a place of blocked creativity or flow.

I wonder sometimes, though, if that is our problem. Whether we are writers or artists or engineers or researchers or teachers or whatever, we spend so much time and effort trying to resist blocked paths. I can’t help but wonder if that very effort ends up contributing to the creation of the blocked paths we so greatly fear. If we experience a void, it is something to escape, never something to lean into and experience.

Could that keep us from discovering new avenues of creativity? Could the fact that I am constantly reaching for so many words be the very thing that keeps me from listening for the words I really need? The words that will take me to the next lesson? The next exploration? The next discovery? The next thoughts to share?

Years ago, the music trio Phillips, Craig, and Dean released a song entitled “Let My Words Be Few.” The lyrics are suitably simple, focused on awe and love for Jesus and the recognition that sometimes basking in His presence is better than many words. I remember chuckling a bit when I first heard the song because it was coming from three pastors. These men rely heavily on their ability to communicate with words. Words make up the core of their professions, both through music and in the pulpit. Without words, they would have quite the struggle on their hands. Yet they recognized that sometimes their words needed to be few.

I miss that truth so very often. Apps like Grammarly fuss at me regularly because of my love for adjectives and adverbs. I like to illustrate and intensify, even when it isn’t necessary. Much of what I say could easily be expressed in half as many words, but why do that when you can make words so pretty? So many words exist. Shouldn’t I try to use as many of them as possible?

That inclination, though, can get me bogged down in words. And then when the words don’t flow, when a thought comes through in a couple of short paragraphs or doesn’t even come at all, I feel as if I’m failing. I’m blocked. And that’s bad, right?

Right??

Perhaps not.

Maybe instead of being a bad time, it’s a time to lean into. Maybe it’s a challenge of trust. If I need words, whether for my own healthy processing or for my livelihood, perhaps the void of words is a signal I’m not listening to the Author of words. The one who gives me the ability to use those words.

Perhaps He’s calling me to listen better.

Am I will to say here I am and listen, with or without words?

Posted in Thoughts from Life

Messy & Real

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

I’m struggling today.

I want to publish something, especially after not getting anything up in the chaos that has been our past week. But, I’m tired, words aren’t flowing very well, and I’m not even doing a great job of processing old stuff to edit. In all honesty, none of that stuff feels “real” for today. It was real and genuine at one time, and it will be again. But not today.

Here’s the deal: I like things neat and tidy. Orderly. Give me a good routine, a nicely ordered checklist, a structured week, and a place for everything with everything in its place, and you’ll have a happy Ann.

So, just out of curiosity, how often has even one full day been nice and tidy for you? Yeah, me neither. It might be desirable, but it’s not ever real. We try to make it reality, though, don’t we? Especially those of us who are ordered, structured people. Whether on a blog, via social media, or even on Sunday mornings when we head to church, we like to give others these neat and tidy snapshots of our lives. Lessons learned and wrapped up in a bow. Thoughts that are complete and full and structured. Smiles that say we’re fine and blessed and everything is going great!

On the one hand, that’s what I want to give today. It’s what I wanted to give last week, too. I knew the week was going to be chaotic, messy, and exhausting, so I intended to have multiple posts scheduled and ready to go, posts that reflected those structured thoughts or tied up lessons or abundant blessings. (Don’t get me wrong, I do have structured thoughts and solid lessons learned and abundant blessings. But, they are never that simple and straightforward.) Instead, I ran out of time. So, I ended up sharing nothing.

Then I sat down this morning to remedy last week’s neglect, and I hit a wall. I didn’t know what to share, either in fresh writing or in edits of my backlog. I don’t have a whole lot of brain power this morning after the exhaustion of last week, so I figured I’d just find something to share that says, “Hey, I’m back!”

Except I want to be real.

I want to be seen. I want to be known. I want to share what I’m experiencing and learning. But I often find myself wishing that I could be seen and known without revealing that my real life is messy and untidy, despite my best inclinations. I want real life to be that neat, tidy, bow-on-the-top package so that I can be honest and be orderly all at the same time. (For the record, I can’t even tie a pretty bow on a gift, so that mental image does make me laugh a bit!)

But it’s not. I cannot be known and seen without admitting the mess. I cannot honestly share genuine thoughts this morning without admitting that I’m just plain tired. Oh, I can find something I’ve written in the past and tidy it up for you, but it will not reflect me right now.

Sometimes that’s okay. Sometimes it’s better to wait until I can give something that’s a little more complete and whole, a little tidier, and a little more coherent. Sometimes you don’t need to see the mess.

But sometimes you do. Because the honest truth is that life is messy for all of us. And we’re all learning and growing through that mess. And if all we ever share is the pretty — and complete — packages, then we’re not being real or honest with one another. And as a result, we’re not encouraging one another.

So, here’s me being messy and untidy. Here’s me letting you know that after a week that was exhausting and chaotic — although also really good — I don’t have a lot to give or even a lot of ability to receive. But I’m here. And today is a “real” day. And that real day is part of what contributes to the learning and growing, the thoughts I can share and the lessons I’ve learned.

If you’re in the middle of messiness or exhaustion or chaos, know you’re not alone. And know that this is part of real life. This is part of growing. This is part of truly living. Part of the puzzle pieces that come together to give us thoughts and lessons learned. Part of what enables us to encourage and strengthen one another in the journey.

That’s what I have today — the realization that even in the mess and exhaustion, there is something to share. When I struggle, I still have to try. Wherever you are today, I hope you can find the encouragement to do the same.

Posted in Thoughts from Life

About Me

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

Yesterday I wrote over a thousand words before I ever started writing an actual blog post. I have no idea what I will do with what I wrote first. It doesn’t really fit anywhere right now. It’s just there.

Today I wrote another 1800 words before starting this blog post. It doesn’t fit with yesterday’s writing, I don’t think, so it’s not like I can put it all together. It could be the introduction to a book. Maybe. If I can figure out how to flesh out the rest of the idea. But I don’t know. It’s just there. It’s just thoughts that poured out of my head randomly, exploding from a place that has been buried for a long time.

I’ve always wanted to be a writer. I vividly remember being ten years old standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes while mentally writing an instruction manual for washing dishes. (Yes, please laugh. It’s hilarious.) Later, I kept a notebook where I hand wrote portions of stories that filled my head.

But I could never go anywhere with the stories. I had bits and pieces, but nothing real that I could truly form into a plot or a point. Having heard “real” writers talk about how their stories almost wrote themselves, I figured I wasn’t a “real” writer. I was just a wannabe writer. A fake. No need to waste time on such nonsense if I wasn’t a real writer.

And yet, there have been times in my life when the words really did flow. I didn’t always know what to do with them, just as I have no idea what to do with the words that have pounded out through my fingers over the past couple of days. But, I’ve been most healthy as a person — and had the strongest inclination that maybe I am a writer after all — when I’ve let the words just come. When I’ve written them whether I knew what to do with them or not.

The problem is that I like to be productive. To have a purpose for what I do. If the words have no place, why should I waste my time writing them?

But, when I’ve tried to only write what has seemed productive, the writing has dried up, leaving me in seasons where I couldn’t write my own thoughts. Where I had no voice. Where I wondered if I even had thoughts at all any more. Those seasons left me feeling dry and dead and silent and so very far from being seen or understood.

A lesson I’m very, very, very slowly learning is that sometimes productivity has nothing to do with the usefulness of what I produce. Sometimes it has to do with just being good for me, even if it does absolutely nothing for anyone else. Sometimes that really is productive.

That’s hard for me. I’m a people pleaser by nature. And, after all, doesn’t Scripture warn us against thinking too highly of ourselves? So, it’s definitely hard to believe that I should spend any time on an activity that might never do anything for anyone else. How can that be godly? How does that grow the kingdom? How does that even compute?

And yet, I am better today for having written those 2800 words yesterday and today, as well as the words that I know I’ll turn into blog posts. I am healthier. Which means I am more capable of investing in other people. These are realities, but I have to figure out a way to convince myself of their validity day after day after day. Otherwise, I won’t keep writing the random thousand words here and there. And if I don’t keep doing that, I won’t be able to keep writing blog posts. Or processing the thoughts I have in my head that make me who I am and help me engage well with others.

Sometimes it is about me. I don’t like it. I struggle with it. But it’s the truth.

Sometimes it’s about you, too. Sometimes you need to do things solely for the sake of your own health. Your own growth. Your own pleasure, even. Because when you do, you are learning who God made you to be. You’re learning the gifts He placed in you. You’re honing them and developing them. Even if in this moment it feels selfish and all about you, it’s actually about so much more. It really is about honoring God with every single part of who you are.

I’m going to forget this. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but probably next week. Next month. A year from now. I’ll forget it. And I’ll need to be reminded. I won’t want to be reminded, but I’ll need it.

So today, while I’m aware and accepting this truth, I’m saying it.

What truth do you need to say out loud today? What do you need to record? What will you need reminded of next week? I’ll be glad to help. Because this is how both of us will grow. Are you in?