Posted in Meditations & Meanderings, Thoughts from Scripture

No Big Picture – Part 1

I love the way different brains work. I love seeing how we process tasks set before us in very different ways. And I love how we need each other to tackle a task.

For instance, some people can envision projects. They can see what doesn’t exist and create ideas. To be honest, those people blow my mind! If it doesn’t already exist in my awareness, I’m very unlikely to come up with it.

But, the people who come up with those ideas often struggle to know how to implement their dreams and visions. That’s where I often shine. As long as I have the tools and knowledge at my disposal to make it happen, I can break down a dream or vision into practical, viable action steps.

Here’s where things break down for me, though. I can take a big picture and break it down for a whole team, then see exactly where I can complete tasks within my strengths that work well with the strengths of other people on the team. Or, if someone else has already broken it all down, I can so very easily coordinate with the rest of the team as long as I have the big picture.

For most of my adult life, I’ve been in roles where I had the big picture, primarily because that is where I function best. I either had the big picture because I was part of making the vision practical, or I’ve had it because I’ve been one of the people on the team always “in the know.” Only occasionally have I operated with merely a slice of the information. Only rarely have I been the one working task to task, having to wait for the next assignment because I had no concept of the big picture that would automatically give me context for how my current assignment fit or what I might be called on to do next.

Those times have not gone well for me.

Unfortunately, that’s where I have found myself for quite some time in one of my roles. Working task to task with no real context for how it fit in the big picture. Just the task ahead of me. It has worked…technically. But there have also been many times when I’ve wasted time doing something that fit the letter of the task at hand but didn’t fit with the big picture. Times when I’ve done things the old way, not knowing that the “way” had changed. Even times when I’ve messed up completely and caused something to break and have to be fixed. All because I didn’t know the big picture.

It has been frustrating. Where in the past I’ve been either responsible or at least “in the know,” in recent years I’ve been on the outside. Given just enough information for what’s right in front of me, with no context or big picture. My work has felt stagnant. No learning. No growing. No problem-solving. Just completing tasks that I can’t even see the purpose for — especially in those times when the tasks have ultimately been dumped because they weren’t needed after all. (And those are usually the tasks that, in the past, I would have recognized early on in my “big picture breakdown” and would eliminate. But without the big picture, I couldn’t eliminate them.) In short, I’ve struggled a lot and have questioned so many times if I needed to just walk away.

And yet, even though that work is mindless and doesn’t allow me to grow, this life situation has caused growth. I just didn’t realize it until I was smacked upside the head while reading John 5.

Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, the Son is not able to do anything on his own, but only what he sees the Father doing. For whatever the Father does, the Son likewise does these things. For the Father loves the Son and shows him everything he is doing, and he will show him greater works than these so that you will be amazed. John 5:19-20 CSB

When I read this, I immediately was convicted of my need for the big picture, not just in work, but in life. In following Christ.

Jesus surrendered the big picture and chose to simply follow the Father. I’m supposed to be like Jesus.

Maybe, just maybe, I can practice this with the “small” thing of work, trusting Him to guide me to be the best employee I can be. And then maybe that practice will expand to the bigger scope of life.

Hmmm. Maybe that’s worth chewing on a bit.

Posted in Thoughts from Life

Not Today, Please

Lately, I’ve been processing through some things I wrote years ago but never published. At the time, I was putting pressure on myself to organize my blog just so, taking time to design and maintain themes. And a lot of what I was writing either didn’t fit into the themes or took too much effort to design just right. So, it just got stored, waiting for…someday.

But there’s also another category of writing from those years. Thoughts that came from a place of deep struggle. Pain. Darkness, even. I don’t specifically remember writing the words, but I do remember never intending to publish any of that content. It felt too raw. I needed to process my feelings, but I did not believe I was free to show that side of myself to other people.

I know, and have always known, that we encourage others by sharing it all. Not just the good or nourishing. Not just the wrapped-up-in-a-pretty-package lessons after they have been learned. But the struggle, too. The hurt. The ugly. But it takes a lot to actually be the one to encourage that way. Not just the freedom of courage, but freedom in many other areas as well.

Today I am in a very different place with a new set of struggles but also a new fount of freedom. And today I found one of those posts that I never meant to publish. I have no idea what was happening at the time, but I know it’s not the only time I felt this way. Nor is is the most recent time I’ve felt that way. So, today, I’m going to do what I never intended to do. I’m going to take advantage of where I am right now and share it. And if you have ever felt this way, or even feel this way more often than not, I hope that today you can know you are not alone.

I’m just not feeling it today.

It’s one of those days when actually getting out of bed was a hard-won victory. One that took every ounce of the will power I had to accomplish anything. Real work, real productivity, real living all take too much effort. It would be so much easier to curl up with a book or lose myself in the mindlessness of social media. To just play. Goof off. Push it all aside. Or better yet, just hide completely. Be invisible.

To push aside the hurt of feeling unwanted – rejected, even – in the very thing that I thought was actually going well.
To walk away from the overwhelming feeling of being behind in everything.
To stop trying to succeed when at every turn I feel like I’m failing.

It would be so much easier.

And yet, I can’t. So, I wish I could write a poem like my precious daughter does. To get it all out in bare honesty. But that’s not part of who I am. I have to find my own way. Figure out my own release. Work this out in the way God created me to do so.

So, here I am. Tapping it out. Vaguely, yet openly. Not naming the hurt, yet seeing it in every word. Not exploring the sense of failure, but trying to recognize the truth behind the feeling. Not listing all that leaves me feeling overwhelmed, yet acknowledging the tension in my neck. My shoulders. My back. My head. And seeking that planner so I can create tangible to-dos to help focus my energy and relieve the pressure.

I’m not feeling it. But I’m going to do it. I’m going to dive into the work day. I’m going to accomplish tangible tasks. I’m going to choose progress, even when I’d rather curl up and hide.

And with that decision alone, I feel better.

Maybe I can do today after all.