Tag: life

Posted in Thoughts from Creation, Thoughts from Life

What Are You Creating?

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

Last week I asked what you were reading. Today, I have a similar question: what are you creating?

The more I learn about what it means to be made in the image of God, the more I see creativity shine as a beautiful example. He is so very creative, not only in the way He fashioned the universe and mankind, but also in the way He has engaged with His creation throughout its — and our — existence. There seems to be no limit to the discovery of new aspects of His creativity!

And the most beautiful part of it all is that He shares creativity with us. Because we are made in His image, we have endless avenues for exploring creativity. Often, though, we miss it because we miss the true definition of creativity.

It’s easy to connect creativity specifically to the arts. Someone who can paint or draw or sculpt or carve or assemble beautiful works of art. Someone who can produce beautiful music. Someone who can design patterns or create beautiful things with fabric or yarn. Those are the creative people.

But we don’t all fit into those categories. And even those who dabble in the arts might not consider themselves truly creative. Everything I do craft-wise is sourced from the idea or pattern of someone else. Am I truly creative if I’m simply copying or following directions using a skill I’ve learned?

The answer is yes. And I’m learning that everyone has some measure of creativity.

Yours might be in how you relate to people. Or cook a meal. Or mow a lawn. You might not be able to paint a solid color evenly on a plain board to save your life, but if someone needs to know the best way to fence off their back yard, you’re the person to call. You might not be able to sew a straight seam no matter how hard you try, but when you tell a story, others are immediately captivated.

Creativity may be the ability to see a new topic to research. It might be the enjoyment of pulling out decorations for every season. It could be knowing just what to plant each season to create a yard that brings joy to others.

It might also be simply following directions to accomplish something. That’s me, and I have long believed that meant I wasn’t creative. And yet, when I follow directions and something good comes from it, even if it’s following directions for a task I’m not really great at, I’m exercising my creativity. It could be as simple as following a recipe to produce food that tastes good, even though cooking is not something I enjoy. It could be the act of enjoying the sight of the Norfolk pine I all but killed years ago, now flourishing and growing so tall that I can’t help but wonder where I’ll put it to protect it from the week of cold we might get this winter!

Right now, I’m working on two sweaters. I’ve never made sweaters before, but I’m currently crocheting one and knitting the other. I’m also crocheting a blanket. I’m strictly following existing patterns, using skills other people have taught me. Even the colors are some my daughter helped me pick out and pair together in an effort to use up some of our yarn stash. It feels very uncreative. It feels more like a simple task I have chosen for the purpose of helping my brain and body relax. It was hard to find the patterns. Hard to come up with the ideas. Creativity isn’t supposed to be that hard, is it?

And yet, I’m creating. In my own way. And it is nourishing me.

My challenge to you is to rethink creativity in your own life. Stop and evaluate the things you’re doing. What brings nourishment? What spurs you to learn more about yourself? What draws you closer to your Creator?

If you can’t answer those questions, perhaps your next challenge is to stop and ask your Creator to help you see how you can image Him through creativity. Let Him open your mind to what is possible. To what fits with how He created you.

Then come back and answer the question: what are you creating? By answering and sharing that answer with those around us, we might just help others see creativity in themselves, possibly in ways they never imagined!

Posted in Thoughts from Life

From the Middle

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

I got a chuckle the other day as I read some social media posts from a first-year homeschool mom. She really is doing well, it seems. She’s been able to process wisdom from more experienced homeschool parents, and she’s implementing that wisdom well. But, there were a few spots where I still wanted to say, “Bless your heart,” or “Oh, honey!” You know…those lovely Southern phrases we pull out when we just don’t know what else to say.

At the same time, though, I applaud her for openly sharing her learning journey. So often, we hear from the veterans only. Those who have such a wealth of experience to share. And their wisdom is so incredibly valuable! But it can also be like drinking from a fire hydrant, especially if it’s decades of experience being handed down to someone just getting started — someone who actually does need the time to develop before they can truly handle that full slate of resources.

I know I’ve been guilty of sharing advice with other people this way, whether in homeschooling or ministry or parenting or any other area where I have a smackerel of experience. It can be…a lot.

But there’s a space that rarely gets shared from. That space right in the middle. The place where we have passed the idealism of the original thought, idea, or inspiration, but we haven’t yet seen how it turns out. We don’t yet know if our attempts will actually work. We have no idea if the advice is sound. And, to be truly honest, we can often find ourselves pretty disillusioned and discouraged. Who wants to share any of that?

Honestly, I think we’re the wisest in that middle space. We’ve been hit with reality a few times, and it illuminates the flaws in our initial idealistic inspiration. We’re encountering the holes that need to be filled; we’re being stopped in our tracks by problems that need to be solved; we’re seeing ideas that need to be revisited and revised. We still have no idea what the outcome will be and what additional errors or useless actions we’ll process along the way. But we’re gaining the tools we need to evaluate each step of the journey. And we’re getting better at it as we go.

That’s a hard space to share, to be honest. It doesn’t sell books. It doesn’t “preach” or enable one to gain any sort of platform. It has no confirmation of validity.

Even so, it’s where the vast majority of us exist. Honestly, I was in “the middle” of homeschooling until the moment my youngest finished his last high school requirement. And even then, I didn’t really know if I’d succeeded in equipping all three of them well. Well into my “retirement,” I’m still processing what did and did not work — what I’d do differently if I began again armed with the knowledge I have now. (And I have no idea if the “different” would actually work better.)

Currently, I’m in the middle of figuring out what life looks like as a “retired” homeschool teacher who is floundering through multiple ill-fitting jobs and just trying to figure out what’s next. What does it mean to be the mom of adults? Am I building the relational skills I’ll need to possibly become a mother-in-law someday? How are we as a family handling the challenge of staying connected in a new and different way, building on the foundation we laid when we all lived under the same roof? How is my approach to employment now paving the way for what I’m supposed to do with the rest of my life?

The middle is squishy. It’s gray. It’s confusing. It’s uncertain.

Yet it is a place that needs to be shared. It is more important to talk about the middle than it is to rave about cool new ideas or share advice from places of success and completion. We need to see each other in the middle. We need to know how someone else is solving problems. Or filling holes, or revising ideas. Or restarting completely when it all falls apart.

It’s hard to share from the middle, but maybe that’s one of the things I need to be learning. Maybe that’s a space of vulnerability I need to be willing to express.

How about you? Are you in the middle on anything right now? How about we meet each other there and walk through the journey together? It might make the completion even more victorious!

Posted in Thoughts from Life

Jumble

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

My thoughts are all jumbled up today, and it’s honestly hard to sort them out. It’s like having the pieces of a dozen puzzles all mixed up together. Or that chaos that would ensue if the multiple cones of yarn in my craft bag were to become unrolled and all knotted together.

I have a lot of thoughts, but they’re all knotted and tangled and scrambled together, and it’s hard to even find a single place to start.

That’s how life is sometimes, isn’t it? Life doesn’t let us deal with one scenario at a time, neatly and cleanly. It mixes and jumbles them all in together. It blends them to the point where it can be hard to even see their distinction. And it’s not just the problematic portions of life. Sometimes, it’s hard to find the edges of the good as we try to push through the bad. And often we feel like the task is too big to even try.

But, try we must.

So, today I’m starting with my thoughts. I’m try to find an end that I can start tugging on to see where it goes. Is it attached to that over there? What happens if I pull at this knot over here?

And wouldn’t you know, pulling is working. They’re starting to unravel a bit. They’re starting to separate and allow me to see what’s worth keeping and what’s not. In fact, by the time you actually read this post, it will probably be several weeks down the road, because several of these thoughts I’m pulling on feel like thoughts I can complete today or this week or in the coming weeks.

When life is a jumble, it’s easy to just give in to being overwhelmed by the chaos. But if we can take a few minutes to focus on one knot at a time, to narrow our focus and solve one little thing that we can, sometimes the jumble begins to make sense. It might still be huge, but maybe it will look a little less overwhelming.

What one free end, one small knot, one little and solvable problem can you focus on today? May it help you see that the jumble of life isn’t so overwhelming after all.

Posted in Thoughts from Life

What is Finished?

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

When I first sat down to start fleshing out this thought, I had just put three dish cloths in the laundry.

It seems like such an odd statement. What’s the big deal about washing three dish cloths?

Well, let me tell you a bit of a story.

I love handmade dish cloths. There’s something about washing dishes with that particular texture that just works. Some do work better than others, to be sure. The cutesy knit cloths with cows and dogs and dragons and dinos that I made when the kids were younger work fine, but the best ones are those with stronger texture variations that allow for soft but effective scrubbing.

Those cutesy cloths eventually wore out, and I realized it was time — probably well past time — to make a new batch of cloths. It took me a while, but I finally got around to starting the project. I had a couple of partially used cones of cotton yarn that didn’t have enough left for integrating into other projects, so that made yarn choice easy. The next step was to choose patterns. It didn’t matter if they were knit or crochet. I simply wanted them to be cute, but also functional, while being quick and easy to make. I found about a dozen patterns to try and dove in. Several times I’d start a pattern, get about a fourth of the way in, then decide that I didn’t like the feel or look or size or that the pattern would require too much attention. But I kept trying, knowing I’d get it figured it out.

I finally settled on two. My favorite, a texturally delightful knit basket weave was quick, simple, and could easily be adjusted to a variety of sizes. The other pattern was also quick, easy (unless I tried to alternate colors like I did with the first attempt at that pattern; beautiful results, but slow work!), and perfect for wiping counters.

Colors settled. Patterns chosen. Finally, I was ready to start creating my stash.

But, here’s the catch. The whole planning process took several weeks. And, I’m not super quick at knitting or crocheting. And, the first basket weave cloth I made I had to undo because I’d over-adjusted the size and made it too small. You see where this is going. This “quick and easy” plan to replace my dish cloths was turning out to be quite slow.

Which lead to another issue. I’m a finisher. So, of course, I wanted to finish all of the dish cloths before running them through the wash and integrating them into our daily usage. Very practical, right? Plan well, implement the plan, get it completed, then apply it. That’s how life should be.

Except, it’s not.

Life isn’t that clean. Or tidy. Or smooth. Life doesn’t let us focus on a thing, whatever that thing may be, and bring it to completion before throwing us a curve ball or introducing a new thing that needs to be tackled. Sometimes we have to live with small steps, rejoicing in the segments instead of waiting for the big finish.

Of course, that leaves a new challenge. What really does it mean to be finished? Where is that victory line we’re aiming toward? How many boxes really have to be checked off to indicate that we’ve made it? Are we finished when we’ve reached our original goal? Are we finished when we’re functional?

Or are we ever truly finished?

That’s a hard question for me in the grand scheme of life. It’s a rather philosophical one, and processing philosophical questions is not a big strength of mine. I prefer to tackle questions I can truly answer. And projects I can truly finish.

But since life isn’t that clean, I’m trying to use my little projects to practice tackling the big philosophical question, starting with running three completed dish cloths through the laundry so we could go ahead and start replacing the worn out ones. I eventually finished three more. In the meantime, I started other projects, some small and some large. Some would be finished quickly. On another, I set a one-year goal, knowing it would take me a while.

The finish line that I so dearly love may be hard to define. But that should never stop me from starting. Or from implementing along the way.

So, today, I’ll celebrate those three dish cloths. I’ll celebrate that I did actually finish that project. And I’ll keep pushing through life trusting that the One who gave me this desire to finish will guide me for His glory.

That’s answer enough for today.

Posted in Tool Box

The Tool for All Tool Boxes

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

I must admit to a bit of a chuckle as I start this thought.

I don’t know of a single person who likes to be called a “tool” or relegated to the idea of simply being a resource or a useful thing.

And yet, when it comes to building tool boxes to fit current needs or prepare for something we desire to do — any hobby, habit, journey, adventure, activity, job, task, or any other noun we can think of — the people around us truly are our greatest resource. If we have nothing else, we should grab onto people!

First, people provide real experience.

Even if we’re trailblazing and doing something no one else has technically ever done before, we’re blazing those trails because of the experience of people who have accomplished much before us. They’ve laid groundwork, created the resources we use, or simply lived an example of what it means to blaze those new trails.

How much more should we lean on that experience when we are carrying on a torch, continuing the work of those who have been doing it for generations?

Wisdom based on the experience of others can come in many forms. It can be found in books written across the centuries. In information shared through our many avenues of modern media (yes, even social media can have good uses!). In products and resources created by others to equip our journey. In personal relationships with those who share our interests.

Sifting through the experience of others will require patience and wisdom, but it’s an invaluable resource when it comes to building your own tool box.

People understand resources.

In my homeschooling years, one of the most common and important, yet also most problematic, questions fellow homeschoolers asked was, “What curriculum should I use?” Let me tell you, homeschoolers are very ready to let you know what their favorite homeschool curriculum is and why it’s absolutely perfect!

But, that was never the best advice. The best advice came from those who stopped to say, “Tell me about your family.” Before offering a single suggestion, they wanted to understand the needs of each child and the dynamics of the homeschool family. Then and only then would they offer suggestions about resources.

That’s the kind of people you want to lean on as you build your tool box. The ones who will understand who and where you are. The ones who will share with you as you experiment. The ones who aren’t offended if you choose a resource or path that’s different from their own because they know you have different needs.

Again, some of these people will be those you know personally. Others will be people who share information through websites, podcasts, books, or other resources. Whoever they are, look for those who understand what it means to match people to resources, not just promote a “one-size fits-all” solution. (That’s as much of a myth in filling your tool box as it is in shopping for clothes, by the way.)

Finally, people offer community.

This is truly the most important one. You want to gather people who stand beside you. Provide encouragement. Offer guardrails to keep you from going too crazy. But also provides safe space to let you get a little crazy (because that’s a necessity for any growth).

They might not actually share your new adventure. And that’s okay. If they’re willing to walk beside you, that’s incredibly valuable.

Adjacency is a popular concept these days. Adjacent play. Adjacent work. People each doing their own thing, but together. Consider how much easier it can be to do certain tasks, even distasteful ones, if you simply have someone nearby. It’s always easier for me to focus on work when my husband is working from home and sitting at the desk next to mine. It’s easier for my daughter to tackle housework if she has someone there to jabber at, even if they aren’t actually helping with the work.

People.

If you don’t gather anything else, gather your people. It’s the one tool you’ll never regret having.

Posted in Faith Nuggets, Thoughts from Life, Thoughts from Others

My Certainty

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

Oh my word, how I needed this reminder this morning! Once again, I am thankful for the record of what God has taught me in the past so I can continue to move forward in growth. And finding certainty in Him is definitely an area where He keeps pushing me to dive deeper and grow more.

Uncertainty. Don’t you just love it. Never knowing what’s around the next bend? Not being able to plan and anticipate?

Okay, if that excited you and made you say, “Yes! I do love it!” then I will go ahead and admit something right now – I don’t understand you. I may still love you, and I will probably try to draw on your strength and excitement when I’m overwhelmed by uncertainty. But I just cannot understand you.

No, I do not always have to have all of the answers, nor do I insist on a crystal clear path at all times. Admittedly, surprises are fun, and the unexpected keeps life interesting and exciting. But that’s not the same as uncertainty.

Uncertainty is knowing that there is something around the corner – and possibly even knowing what it is – but not really being able to predict how it will impact life. If I know that something uncertain is ahead of me, I want to at least have the chance to do something productive to prepare for the uncertainty.

It’s like knowing that tornado season is coming around. I’m an Arkansan, which means tornado season is a given. I do not know when storms will come, but I know they will. And although I cannot guarantee my family’s safety during a tornado, I can do practical, productive things to prepare. I can make sure that we all know where to go to take cover quickly and smoothly. I can make sure necessities are easy to grab. I can prepare.

The problem comes when I see uncertainty on the horizon and cannot do a thing about it. I can’t prepare. I can’t plan. I can only wait. Wait in the uncertainty.

That’s exactly where the Lord puts me from time to time. Why? Because I’m finding my certainty in activity. In preparation. In doing something. What does He want instead?

He wants to be my certainty.

Oswald Chambers says it quite well in My Utmost from His Highest.

Certainty is the mark of a common-sense life; gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways…

Ouch. I tried to argue with that rationale this week. I hoped that I could look at 1 John 3:2, the focal verse for the devotional, and determine that Chambers was out of context with his deductions. But no, he wasn’t. And I was stuck.

I had been living a common-sense life. The Lord was – and is – calling me to a life filled with Him. A life in which my only certainty is Himself. Not circumstances. Not preparation. Not clear answers or firm direction.

Just Himself.

Where is your certainty today? If it is anywhere but in Christ Himself, He will push you into circumstances that challenge your common-sense life. And it hurts. But it’s worth it.

Will you join me in “gracious uncertainty”? Together, let’s make our Lord and Savior our only certainty.

Posted in Thoughts from Life

The Thoughts that Don’t Make It

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

I’m sitting here this morning perusing my notes, in-progress thoughts, and rough drafts, wondering if I should start from scratch with today’s post or prepare something I’ve already started.

Some of the thoughts have been here a while. Months. Others are recent, but I need them to gel a bit to make sure that I’m saying things clearly. Sometimes I can sit down and go from idea to publication in an hour or so with no problem. But most of the things I’m skimming through this morning are thoughts that, for whatever reason, don’t fit into that mold. They were jotted down as incomplete ideas that needed to be pondered or fleshed out, but just haven’t made it to completion yet.

Some were thoughts hammered out in emotional times. Whether it was negative or positive emotions, my emotional writing frequently doesn’t make sense until I can pull back and separate the thoughts from the emotions. Sometimes, though, that makes it impossible to ever complete the thoughts, because emotional memories are strong.

Some will eventually find their way to publication. Others never will. I’ll never get them to work. And that’s okay. Because it’s not really the completion that matters in every situation. Sometimes thoughts are there to give birth to learning in other areas. They lead to other ideas and different growth — to things that I can share later. But it’s important to jot the thoughts down, because otherwise I’ll forget them. After all, if it’s not written down, it usually doesn’t happen! At least, that’s the way it is for my extremely visual brain.

The point is, I struggle sometimes to know which thoughts should be pushed through and which ones should never be publicly read. It’s important for us to learn to be vulnerable. To be real. But, there is wisdom in vulnerability. There must still be boundaries and guidelines for when and how to share parts of ourselves. And there are some things that will never be published on a public blog, even if the blog is rarely seen by more than a handful of people.

The key is to recognize which thoughts fit into which category. But there’s also the need to recognize my own mental acuity each time I try to make such a decision. Am I in touch with wisdom enough to know whether or not something needs to be published? Am I deciding from a place of insecurity or discernment? Some days I have more clarity than others. Am I willing to admit when I’m experiencing a day that lacks clarity?

Today is a day when I don’t really have much to say. But, it’s been a bit of a weird week, and my routine is thrown off. So, as I stumble through trying to make the most of each day, I recognize that it’s not a great day to process unpublished rough drafts or incomplete thoughts to see if they are worth publishing. It may not be a day conducive to fresh writing, but it’s also not really a great day for going back through old posts to see if they are worth republishing. It is instead a day to just be honest about where I am and move on.

I’m encouraged, though, because even on a day like today I’m trying. I’m not sharing a lovely life lesson or a glimpse from Scripture. But I’m still writing. I’m still doing. And I am continuing to build on habits and rhythms that will make it easier next time to either review well, write well, or just do like today and keep up the practice.

Not every thought makes it. But every thought has a purpose, even if it’s just to grow me toward the next thought. I’ll take it.

Posted in Thoughts from Life, What I'm Learning

Celebrating

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

I’m struggling today.

I had a post started, sharing thoughts about something I’d read this morning, but it fell flat. I need to ponder it more, work with it more, figure out how it fits into my life and thoughts and intentions…and actions.

And, to be honest, there’s a bit of melancholy resting on me today. January 1 is just a day on a calendar. We have to rotate it through sometime. Why not today? Throughout history, cultures have always chosen a day to do celebrate the start of a new year. Of a new rotation of opportunity and experience and existence. And celebration is so important. God Himself ordained times of celebration, including a new year celebration, as He set up the structure for the nation of Israel. Celebration is good and helpful.

Yet sometimes it really does just fall flat. Sometimes it really does just feel like it’s an arbitrary day on the calendar, especially after the hard years we’ve walked through lately, one after another.

Sometimes the desire to celebrate is there. But the means to do so? Those aren’t as readily available.

So, we struggle.

I’ll be honest, I don’t want to struggle through 2025. I know there will be ups and downs. There will be sweet times and very hard times. I know this, not because I’m expecting a repeat of the last six years (remember how many people were so ready to be done with 2019 and were fully convinced that 2020 would be better?) but because we live in the real world. There will be births and deaths, joys and heartaches, beginnings and endings.

For the past six years, though, the hard has weighed me down heavily. The negative has made it a challenge to truly celebrate the positive.

So, for this year, I want to learn to celebrate purely. Not to ignore the reality of the negative. Not to shove down the weeping and mourning that will inevitably come. Not to deny the fact that life can be so very hard sometimes. But to decide that I won’t allow those things to keep me from celebrating the good. Because there is good. There’s been good every single year. If I’ve missed it, it’s because I’ve been so focused on the bad. That’s the easy route, to be honest. I want to accept the more challenging route. I want to be able to walk in the bad while still being constantly ready to celebrate the good — even in those instances when the two are walking hand in hand.

I’m struggling today, and I know I’ll struggle many more times in 2025. But I’m also determined to relearn how to celebrate. I’m determined to make that more of my focus than the struggle. Because this life of following Christ and seeing His work in the world around me is worth celebrating.

Posted in Thoughts from Life

Today’s Pieces

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

I love puzzles. Fortunately, I have a child who also loves puzzles, and usually during school breaks we keep one going that we can add a few pieces to as we have time.

Our preference is large puzzles with some measure of complexity. Although we have a few 500-pieces options that are beloved because of the completed images, our preference is 1000 pieces. We do occasionally tackle even larger ones, like the 4000-piece world map that we assembled and then framed for display. It took us a while to get that one done, but we absolutely love the finished product!

This year, though, we discovered something new: Christmas countdown puzzles. The puzzle pieces are presorted into 25 numbered boxes, each box containing around 40 puzzle pieces. Each day, we pulled out the appropriately numbered box and assembled only the pieces for that day.

Honestly, as fun as the countdown puzzles were, they were not incredibly challenging. We could complete the day’s section in a matter of minutes and quite easily since we knew that all of the pieces fit into a compact section. (Although, to be honest, we both got behind on our puzzles, so we rarely had a one-box-only day.) In that regard, this approach is not one we’d want to do very often. We like the challenge of a large puzzle with lots of shapes and colors.

On the other hand, though, the countdown puzzles have offered an illustrative reminder about life — a reminder I really need right now as we pass through the Christmas season and approach a new year.

You see, my brain often attacks life as if I have to try to figure out a huge puzzle. I see a huge pile of random pieces, including edge pieces that create a frame or border, and feel that I have to dive in and solve it. This urge is especially strong in times such as the transition into a new season, whether it’s a new calendar year, a new school year, or a new phase of life.

But, life — especially life as a Christian — is much more like that countdown puzzle. There is a Designer who already has the whole picture in hand. He knows exactly where each puzzle piece goes. He knows how the frame works, and He knows that I don’t even need the whole frame to figure out the puzzle. I just need to focus on what He’s given me for today.

Today, I have my set of pieces. Today I have my small focused space. Today I have my allotment of wisdom and understanding. Today I have all I need to accomplish the portion of the puzzle that needs to be completed — the portion that attaches directly to all I have already done throughout my life.

I just need to focus on the “box” handed to me today.

I’d rather have it all figured out. I’d rather have the big picture and be able to rush to completion. Not necessarily of all of life, but at least of this upcoming year or season.

I know better. I know life should be lived out each day and the path my loving Father has set me on should be cherished and lived abundantly. Yet I still try to tackle the whole and jump ahead to the box I’ll need for tomorrow or next week or even five years from now.

God slows me down and hands me what I need for today. He reminds me that He holds the fullness of my life and that He already has in place what I’ll need for tomorrow or next week or five years from now. He’s holding it safely. And between now and then, He’s giving me what I need so that when I get to those future pieces, I’ll have a place to put them. I’ll know where they fit.

I’m tempted to dump out the whole puzzle and try to figure it out on my own. He’s gently reminding me that He sorted the pieces for a reason, and that I can trust Him with them all.

Now that Christmas is past, we’ll probably pull out another big puzzle and enjoy the challenge of it before my daughter heads back to school. But as I put away the countdown puzzles, I’m thankful for the reminder God gave me each time I opened one of these small boxes. I’m thankful that when I do go back to the big puzzles, even they will help me remember.

And I’ll be thankful for everything that God has given me to be a part of His will and plan for today.

Posted in Thoughts from Life

Silence

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

I’ve shared a lot lately about my struggle with writing. Too many words. Not enough words. Thoughts not coming together or not fitting the time. But, those aren’t the only issues. This political season and the nature of our division (not a historical first, by the way, either politically or religiously) also highlight another reality for me: sometimes I feel like there’s no way to truly reflect what’s going on in my head, so I stay silent.

The first time this struggle hit me very tangibly this was years ago when we were in a rough ministry season. I had a lot of thoughts. (My children would emphasize this power of this by capitalizing Thoughts and adding some type of trademark or copyright character to it. I love that!) And I wanted to process and even publish those thoughts. But, I knew that doing so could cause major issues. The things I said could, and most likely would, be misunderstood by people who could easily use them against my husband, if not my whole family.

So, what did I do? I stayed silent.

Unfortunately, the silence didn’t limit itself to those particular thoughts. I began to feel like I couldn’t say meaningful enough things for holidays or special occasions. So, where I once wrote sweet birthday greetings or extensive blog posts celebrating my husband and children…I pulled back on my words. Eventually, even there, I became silent.

Most recently, I’ve been silent regarding politics. Honestly, this is not new. I hate politics. Always have. I do not like the arguments and the debates. I’ve never been the quick-witted type of person who can enjoy them, much less readily participate in them. If I have the time to come up with my perspective, I can word it well. But, when it’s challenged, I need time to process and evaluate before I respond.

The sharp-tongued political scene does not lend itself to the “release my thoughts and then step back and let people do with them as they will” approach. It is, by nature, a back-and-forth, debate-and-argue area. An arena where I don’t fit.

So I stay silent.

The problem is that my silence still speaks. It lends itself to people assuming I agree or disagree with them simply because of my race, gender, religious affiliation, or “station” in life. But the truth is so much more complex. People I love dearly have aligned themselves with Democrats, Republicans, and various third parties. Other precious ones can’t really get behind any of the above. I have mentioned before that I am, by nature, an empath. A mediator of sorts. I hate arguments and debates partially because I am better at seeing multiple sides of a situation than I am at arguing one side or the other. I like mediating and helping people come together. See each other. Learn to love one another despite differences.

But that often leaves me seeming wishy-washy and as if I have no convictions of my own.

The truth is that I have strong convictions. Convictions that don’t fit neatly into any box. Convictions that would probably make the debaters on all sides somewhat angry with me because I didn’t agree enough with any of them. I’m not wishy-washy. I’m just weird. And it’s hard to express my weirdness without causing problems.

So I stay silent.

I honestly don’t know how to fix this. There are times I wish I had said things during the weeks leading up to the election. Times I wish I’d stood up to the hate seething from all sides. Times I wish I’d been able to make comments that helped entrenched minds stop and think about what they were saying. Not because I felt like I was right and they were wrong. But because I wanted to help them process how their words were impacting others.

I wish most of all that I’d spoken up more against the venom spewed by those who claim the Name of Christ. Those who have pushed people away from Him because of their approach to the political season. (And yes, I personally know people who are now much more closed to the Gospel because of the behavior of Christians during the election season.)

But I felt like my words would just cause more arguing. So, I stayed silent.

You can ask my family — I misspeak a lot. I say the wrong thing. I cause pain with my words. I respond in misunderstanding. I make comments, realize that what I’ve said reveals my ignorance, and wish I could take it back. I delete comments on social media or in private chats, even though I know deleting them won’t change them. I often even refrain from trying to explain myself because I know it will come out wrong.

It feels better to stay silent.

Except that there is a message I hold that must go out. It will not be popular. It will be misunderstood. And I may not express or explain it well. I will probably use the same words that others have used — words that trigger pain for people who have been abused by those claiming the Name of Christ — because I don’t know what other words to use. And, as a result, I will feel as if I, too, am misusing His Name.

That fear holds me back and makes me want to stay silent even in this. But I cannot. It is not better to stay silent when I know the words of life. I know the Giver of life. I know the One who can cause all of His children, even those who disagree politically, to live in unity. And when I hold this knowledge back silently because I’m afraid of saying it wrong, again, I’m living in sin.

Ouch.

I cannot stay silent.

My prayer is that I will learn to speak. I will learn to carry the words of the Spirit on my tongue and in my fingertips. That I won’t worry about what arguments or debates I spark by those words but will instead let the Spirit work His miracle through me, letting others see the love of Christ in me no matter how the words challenge and penetrate. Because I don’t want to give my opinion and my words. I want to give His.

I want to no longer be trapped in silence. Oh, Lord, let me become Your voice instead!