Posted in Marriage

In Time

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

Advent season officially started yesterday. Each Sunday between now and Christmas, we will light a candle representing one aspect of the Christmas story or season. On Christmas Eve, we’ll light the last one, symbolizing the birth of Jesus. I love the excitement and beauty of welcoming Christmas through Advent celebrations.

As we process through Advent, I can’t help but think of all those who waited but never saw the Messiah during their earthly lives. God promised a Savior all the way back in Genesis, as the first sin created an uncrossable divide between God and man. Generation upon generation of God’s people awaited the Messiah and never saw Him. But in the fullness of time, God sent Jesus.

I could go on and on about why the timing was beautiful and perfect and amazing. Instead, I want to focus on the waiting and the fulfillment – and how that relates to marriage.

It sounds like a stretch, doesn’t it? Connecting the long-awaited birth of Jesus to marriage? But, I invite you to stop for a moment and remember all of the times you waited for God in your marriage.

Somehow, you just knew it wasn’t the right time. Perhaps it wasn’t the right time to make a move or have a baby or change jobs. Maybe it was simpler and just wasn’t the right time to have a conversation with your spouse. Or even get a pet. Or buy a new car.

When we get an idea in our heads, an idea we know to be a good one, we often push for it. We push God. We push our spouses. We push our children. We push our finances. We push our schedules. We push, push, push to get something accomplished. And every time we push, we suffer the consequences.

But, if we wait…oh, if we wait, God’s timing is perfect!

I can look back on my own marriage and see the times I pushed. I regret those times profoundly. But I can also see the times I waited. I waited and prayed. In those times, God worked. Sometimes I waited in quiet, sensing that God just might be preparing my husband and me differently for something. Other times, Doug and I waited together after discussing and realizing that it wasn’t God’s timing yet.

And yes, the waiting has covered everything from children and moves to buying cars and houses or welcoming pets into our home.

So very often, it feels like God is stalling. Or withholding. Or denying. It seems to take so long for Him to come around to fulfilling the thing we’re waiting for. But, look how long mankind waited for its Savior! Look how long we continue to wait for the ultimate fulfillment of God’s promises in Jesus’ second coming!

God’s timing in my marriage is perfect in the same way His timing with eternal promises is perfect. Ultimately, His timing allows my marriage to give glory to Him, draw us closer to Him, and allow us to be more greatly emptied of ourselves and filled with Himself.

I don’t know about you, but I believe that’s fully worth waiting for.

Posted in Marriage

I’m Proud of You

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

I’m proud of my husband. In so many ways for so many things. He’s a pretty amazing guy.

I’m proud of him when other people are proud of him. I’m proud of him when others are agitated with him. I’m proud of his successes and I’m proud of the way he learns from his failures.

The problem is that I don’t always tell him I’m proud of him.

The older our marriage grows, the more I learn that words matter. The spoken words matter, but so do the unspoken. The things we learn to leave unsaid because we know it’s best to not say them. The things we refuse to say, even though we know we should. And the things we just forget to say, whether for good or for ill.

It all matters.

Some days, when there are words I haven’t said to my husband or my children or even to others in my life, I think it might be easier to say those words here. To process them in writing and say them to the wide world, offering advice that I know to be true rather than implementing the truth into my own life. Sharing publicly in hopes that my husband or children or friends or extended family will just read it here instead of making me go to them. Writing it out in a relatively generic thought instead of forming deeply personal and sometimes very raw, unprocessed words in a face-to-face conversation. But, it is my goal to never do that.

So, instead of leaving you with examples of saying the words that matter, I’m simply striving to do it myself. To be sure to speak when I am proud, to share when I have a challenge, and to converse face to face when I’d rather try to hash it out with a keyboard.

What spoken words do you need to keep quiet this week? What unspoken words do you need to say?

Remember, it all matters.

Posted in Faith Nuggets

Willing to Work

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

I find it funny when people say, “Oh, I could never do _________. I’m not ________ enough.” Go ahead – just fill in the blank. You just might be able to remember at time when you have said just such a thing. I know I can!
As is frequently the case, God has used both life in general and my children specifically to make me completely rethink my “I could never” statements. Take my oldest child, for instance.

No Outlet

For years I have marveled at the stories floating around in my daughter’s mind. She is so incredibly creative, and she has concocted entire worlds in her imagination. For years, I tried to figure out how to get those worlds out of her head and into a form that she could share with others. When she was little, I had this notion that, as soon as she learned how to write, she would be able to keep a journal and just write everything out. When she finally did learn how to write, however, it didn’t take long for that notion to crumble.

The physical act of writing proved to be excruciatingly tedious for my sweet girl. She could draw all day long. But handwriting was a completely different story. She hated it. And I finally accepted the fact that my sweet girl would never write. She finally accepted that it was okay to hate writing, even though she needed to learn the basic skills involved. But when it came to those stories, I was determined to not give up. We would just have to get them on paper another way.

Discovery

Fast forward a few years. As my daughter grew older, she learned a new skill: typing. Or keyboarding. Or whatever it is called these days. She learned how to push the letter keys on a computer keyboard in quick succession to cause letters and words to appear on a computer screen, an action that opened a whole new world to her. And created quite a shock for her mother!

First, she wrote a nearly perfect book report without help. Then, single-paragraph writing assignments for school became easier for her.

But it didn’t stop there! I nearly fell out of my chair the day she said, “Mommy, I got to write three paragraphs in language arts today!”

Got to? GOT to? Whatever happened to “had to”?

It got better still. She followed that statement up with, “It was fun!” I almost cried.

A few days later, I walked into the living room to see her propped up before a laptop, tapping away.

“What are you doing?” I asked, curious.

“Writing a fantasy novel,” came her matter-of-fact reply. Later than night she asked me to help her set a daily writing goal. Yes, that time I really did cry.

Work for It!

My child thought she hated to write. But she discovered she just needed the right avenue through which to do it.
All of us have dreams and talents. But, we often find ourselves limited when it comes to actually turning those dreams into reality or utilizing those talents. So, we hole up. Or give up. Or push it all down. We neglect to fight for those dreams. We refuse to push for ways to express our talents. We are unwilling to think outside the box.
Scripture is full of evidence that God is not limited by normalcy. Story after story reveals how He worked creatively, uniquely, and unexpectedly in the lives of biblical heroes. The incredible reality is that you and I are no different. Were our talents and dreams to be fulfilled through normal ways, how often would we give glory to our Creator? But, when He makes us turn to Him for a creative solution, He is glorified as the world watches what only He can accomplish through us.

I have been privileged to read some of my daughter’s novel and peruse several related short stories. It is so obvious to me that God made no mistake when He created an incredibly imaginative child who hated to write. She had to blossom. She had to push. And now, she loves writing more than she ever would have had she not had to work for it.
What are you willing to work for?

Posted in Thoughts from Life, What I Do

Working Mom

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

I have a question for you. When you think of your identity, what title do you give to yourself? I have several. Pastor’s Wife. Homeschool Mom. Writer. Editor. And, up until recently, Stay at Home Mom.

Has something changed? you might ask. In fact, I can almost see the wondering on the faces of some friends, wondering if I’ve suddenly decided to put the kids in school and work outside the home. And, no, it’s nothing like that. It’s more of a discovery.

Defining Stay at Home Mom

It’s a realization that for many, many years, I’ve struggled with my role as a mom.

I have this mental definition for the “Stay at Home Mom” title. It’s a mom who essentially structures her life around the care of her home and family. Everything else is secondary.

For fifteen years, I’ve called myself a stay at home mom. But, can I share a little secret with you? I have never fit the boundaries of my own definition, and I have always felt the conflict of that without ever understanding why.

Just recently, it all clicked in my head when I realized that I have actually worked for nine of my fifteen years of motherhood. And, in the years I didn’t work, I always had something specific to focus on. In the early years of motherhood, it was photo editing. I loved to take pictures, keep them well organized on my computer, and edit them in a variety of ways. Later, I started writing and discovered the world of product and book reviews. Only now do I see that I looked upon both of those “hobbies” as jobs.

Only now do I see that I’m not really a stay at home mom, and I never have been. On the contrary, I have always been a working mom. The whole time.

A Beautiful Mental Shift

Admitting that is a big deal for me, because I realize I have always felt a bit ashamed of my jobs – ashamed that I enjoyed them more than keeping up with my home or cooking for my family. It’s not that I preferred being away from my family. Quite the contrary! I love being with my family. But, I’ve always preferred the work that is not home related. The more I loved my jobs, the more I felt like a stay-at-home mom failure.

Something about the simple admission that I am a working mom changes so much in my head. You see, like many of my friends who also work – some from home and others outside the home, both in part-time and full-time capacities – I still prioritize my family. I shape my work options around doing what’s best for my family. I work in a way that allows me to homeschool. I work in a way that makes me available to my children when they need me, while still setting parameters and boundaries for work time. My family is no less of a priority. But, the care of my home is not my job. It’s a joint responsibility for every family member.

I cannot even begin to explain how that admission has eliminated conflict for me. That realization has helped me interact better with my children. It will allow me to share responsibilities of home care more freely, rather than feeling like a failure because I thought I couldn’t keep up with my job.

I’m a work in a way that most vibrantly nourishes my family working mom.

And, do you know what? I still highly value stay at home moms. But I also absolutely love who I am and what I do.

What about you? What title have you adopted? Does it fit?

Posted in Marriage

What I Love

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

What do you love about your spouse? What makes you proud? What makes you smile? What makes you laugh?

I so enjoy hearing women pointing out the things they love about their husbands. It’s beautiful to me when, in the middle of sharing a struggle, my dearest friend points out something her husband did in the middle of that struggle – something that she found to be phenomenal. He showed wisdom or insight. He made someone laugh or interacted in a special way with his kids, despite his busyness or stress. It’s precious to hear her bragging on her husband, pointing out the ways she sees him shine.

There’s so much I absolutely love about my husband. I love the way he observes and sees everything so fully and deeply. I love the way he teaches. His passion for history and God’s Word is contagious, and I delight in listening to him. The way he plays with our children makes me smile every time. I wouldn’t trade his sense of humor for anything! I love his cooking and his writing. He has an intriguing imagination that captivates me. And his creativity – oh, how I love his creativity! He thinks outside the box – something that’s hard for me to do. Yet, I so greatly prefer creativity that is different and unusual, and his ides are so much fun! The way he sees and meets needs melts my heart.

I often have people ask me, “How do you live with that?” when my husband’s quirky personality shines through. My response is always the same, “That’s what I love about him!” And it’s true! I thoroughly enjoy who he is, and I am overwhelmed by God’s goodness in allowing me to be this man’s wife. Our Creator could have made marriage purely about serving Him together in practical ways. Yet, He included the fun details in the process. He took a meaningful and spiritual institution and added a plethora of color and delight. Things that aren’t at all practical bring us together that much more!

So, I ask again, what do you love about your spouse? Will you share? I’d love to hear!

Posted in Marriage

The Identity of Marriage

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said,“This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:22-24

Aren’t those wonderful verses? And, oh how I love the narrative that precedes them. God took Adam through the whole process of discovery and realization, helping him to see that he needed Eve. Not a horse. Not a dog. Not even a giraffe. Woman.

So What Are We Missing?

When I look at marriages around me, though, I realize something. We often get the “man shall leave his father and mother” part. But, somehow we miss what comes after, the beautiful statement that man will “be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”

Oh, we get the sex part of “become one flesh.” What we miss is the deeper, even more beautiful part. The part that makes the physical intimacy truly wonderful. We miss the whole-person joining of man and wife.

So often the boy and girl who are inseparable before marriage choose to “settle down” after they get married. After all, they live together now. They don’t have to be so intense about their relationship any more. They don’t have to find every excuse to be together. They don’t have to long for the day when goodbyes aren’t necessary. That day is here. So, the togetherness can relax a little bit.

As they settle into marriage, they begin to outgrow the “silliness” of their inseparable dating days. They come to believe that what they once had is not sustainable, that now they are in a situation of needing to learn how to make their two different personalities work together while living continuously under the same roof. There’s no need for goodbye – there’s also no avenue for goodbye. They are together. Period.

Joining & Becoming

And this is where the joining and becoming are missed. You see, we aren’t supposed to remain our original individual personalities, learning to live together. We’re supposed to instead become something new. One flesh. A brand new creation. Something together.

That mushy feeling of “I hate to be away from him” is supposed to turn into a very real sense of being partially empty when he is not around. Before marriage, we are not incomplete without one another because we are whole, beautiful creations. But, once we join together in marriage, we become a new creation that is made up of man and woman. And in that relationship, we are incomplete without one another.

Does this mean we never enjoy time with our girlfriends? Of course not! But, it becomes different, because it becomes a celebration of friendship time that further nourishes who we are as wives. The time our husbands have with their friends should likewise be times that build them up so they can be strengthened in their role as husbands. But, ultimately, we should not be satisfied with time away until we have sealed it with the beauty of coming back together.

So, what is the identity of marriage? Not two people living in the same house, joined in the flesh. But, two people who have merged into a new creation. One that is nourished and grown by togetherness.

When my husband and I joined in marriage, we became incomplete without one another. And it is a beautiful thing.

Posted in Marriage

The Shining Light of Marriage

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

Some of my favorite classes in college were in the religion department. The professors made it their goal to challenge and stretch their students, driving us to not just settle for a surface reading of Scripture. They wanted us to dig. To study. To really see. To grasp. I am fortunate to still have the opportunity to learn from those professors as they write and teach even beyond the college classroom, seeking to stretch and grow pastors and anyone else willing to learn (like me!).

Remember the Context

One of those learning opportunities came in the form of a conference in which two professors from my alma mater walked a room of ministers and a few of their spouses (like me!) through the book of Malachi. One reminder they repeatedly hammered into our minds was the importance of keeping all of Malachi in context of the opening passage. The book begins with God’s profession of love for His people. Then it flows quickly into discipline. When reading the harsh words God speaks to His people, it’s easy to forget the love. But, He was disciplining them because of His love. Forgetting the opening profession of love skews the message of the entire book.

What About Marriage?

We have a bad habit of skewing multiple books of Scripture in the same way we might skew Malachi. We pull out a passage at a time, reading or studying in blocks, and forget the big picture of the book or of Scripture as a whole. Marriage is a particularly misused topic. There are quite a few passages on marriage, and studying those passages has resulted in quite the wide array of marriage doctrines. The doctrines seek to hash out what Scripture says about who has what rights and how those rights get to be used. Is the husband in full authority, or does the wife get to share that authority?

As we build those doctrines, we forget two things: First, we’re all bond slaves to Christ. None of us has authority or rights apart from Him. Second, each of the teachings on marriage falls into the context of a greater message to the church, and when we ignore that context, we miss the point.

Strangers and Aliens

About the same time I attended that Malachi conference, I was also taking my Sunday school class through 1 Peter. In my preparation time, I came to the passage in 1 Peter 3 about wives walking in quiet submission to their husbands, and I realized that I had never read that passage in context of the whole of Peter’s epistle. Despite the many times the importance of context had been pounded into my head by my former professors, I’d ignored the context of this passage.

1 Peter is a letter to a church living as “strangers and aliens” in a very fallen world. It is a letter to a church facing persecution. It is a letter reminding Christians that it is a good thing to stand out. To be different. To be holy. Peter is very practical in his letter, walking believers through specific ways they are to stand out from the rest of the world.

The goal is to be so different that everyone notices and is pointed to Christ, whether they accept Him or not.

Into the discussion about how to practically accomplish this goal, Peter drops a statement to Christian wives. The purpose of submission is to cause these women to stand out from the ungodly ones. In doing so, those married to non-Christian men may even have the opportunity to draw their husbands to Christ. Even if they don’t, how many others will notice the difference in them and be drawn to Christ? It’s not about fulfilling a biblical role in marriage. It’s about spreading the truth and light of Christ to a lost world.

A Light in the Darkness

If I look at the context of 1 Peter and even the context of Scripture as a whole, I see that my relationship with my husband is not about who is supposed to be in authority over or submissive to whom. It’s not even about us having a good and biblical marriage. Instead, it’s about the image I as a wife – and, by extension, we as a married couple – present to a very, very fallen world. How I relate to my husband should differ greatly from the way non-Christian wives relate to their husbands. It should stand out. I am a bond-slave of Christ. My only role, goal, and right, even in marriage, lies in my ability to honor Him and shine His light in the midst of this dark world. It is to live a life of unselfish submission that stands in sharp contrast to the get-ahead, me-first nature of this world.

When I view my role in marriage in that perspective, suddenly all of the passages on wifely submission take on a brand new meaning, a meaning that fits so beautifully with Jesus’ direct teaching about the church:

By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another. John 13:35

Posted in Faith Nuggets, Thoughts from Scripture

Who Are My Counselors?

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

Recently, I was reading 2 Samuel 10 in my daily Bible reading. What a sad story. Because King Hanun listened to the bad advice of his princes, a series of battles followed that cost hundreds of lives.
I can’t help but compare this to Rehoboam in 1 Kings 12 or King Xerxes and Haman in the book of Esther. Even Absalom in 2 Samuel 17 is an example of following bad advice, even though we all cheer when we read his story, knowing that Hushai’s counsel was actually intentionally given to save the lives of King David and the people with him.
Considering all of these stories, I can’t help but come to a couple of conclusions.

Counsel is important.

There’s a lot of cockiness wrapped up in every one of the personalities mentioned above. Yet, each one of them sought counsel. Even with their high opinion of themselves, they still sought out the counsel of others.
Most of what we observe in the character and behavior of these men is not admirable, and we should not strive to emulate it. Except in this one thing. Like them, we should never be too proud to seek counsel.
But, we should remember a second reality that these men, sadly, ignored.

Our choice in counsel is even more important.

This is where I’ve been parked lately. How do I choose my counselors? Do I seek out those who will simply support what I already want to do? Do I look for the popular or easy to follow advice? Or do I see advisers that will steer me well, regardless of my desires?

The wise choice seems obvious, doesn’t it? Yet, so often that wisdom does not flow through into our practical choices. We instead surround ourselves with advisers and counselors who advise based on practical ideas or pros and cons or what they see will make us happiest or what will keep our relationships and status quo running smoothly.
The advice we need has nothing to do with the most practical option or even our happiness or relationships. It has to do with the will of the Lord. In fact, far more often than not, His will seems to completely contradict the practical and “obvious” route. His will involves trust even when the path is not clear. It involves obedience even when the results seem painful.
Godly advisers will help us know how to trust and obey. Are those the counselors we seek?

Posted in Marriage

What’s Really Going On?

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

It’s one of those days when absolutely nothing goes right. Everything you touch seems to be out to get you. Then, your husband walks in the door, and suddenly, he becomes part of “everything.” Every word he says and everything he does seems to be an intentional attack.

If he’s going to “intentionally” aggravate you, you’re going to dish it right back. Whether it’s snapping at everything he says, refusing to cooperate in anything he does, or bringing up old frustrations that feel very unresolved in the moment, you’re going to find a way to make sure he knows just how frustrating he is being.

The Nagging Truth

Somewhere in the back of your mind, there’s this nagging thought that you’re being unreasonable. The truth is that it’s one of those days when it is completely impossible for him to succeed and give you what you want. His words and actions aren’t really aggravating. He is not really frustrating. But you’re frustrated, and it’s easier to lash out at him than accept the truth.

We all have bad days. We all have days when our thoughts drag us into the depths of frustration and our successes seem completely minimal. Perhaps those delightful hormones are out of whack. Maybe we’ve been ignoring the Lord’s voice for a few days. It could be that a sick child has us worried or lack of sleep has us utterly exhausted. A relationship or work situation could be weighing on our mind, or a nagging problem with one of the kids might be making us feel like failures.

There are any number of things that attack our mental well being, and we often don’t have a clue how to pinpoint the source of the attack. Since we can’t put our finger on the real cause, we can’t fix it. So, if we blame it on our husbands, we feel that we’ve come up with at least one solution.

The truth, though, is that wrapping our husbands up with the cause of our issues is not helpful. Believe me. I’ve been there far too many times.

So, what’s the alternative?

First, be honest with yourself.

If you find yourself responding negatively to your husband as soon as he walks in the door, choose to listen to that nagging truth, even if it doesn’t provide the answers you are seeking. You know it’s not him. Choose to act like it, even if you think venting would help you feel better. It won’t. Trust me.

Second, be honest with him.

You want to snap because you think it will make you feel better. Instead, just admit that you’ve had a really lousy day and you’re to the point that everything seems to be compounding that.

Finally, let him help.

No, his hugs won’t solve all your problems, but he’s also not trying to patronize you; he really does want to offer comfort. His jokes are an attempt to make you laugh, not to make light of the situation. His offer to take care of the kids’ supper is not an indication that you’re incapable; he truly wants to help.

When we’re in the middle of feeling rotten, it’s hard to take the time to step back and truly analyze the problem. We’re tired. We’re frustrated. We’re probably close to tears. We don’t really have the energy to figure out what the real problem is. But, we don’t really have to figure out the problem in that moment. We only need to choose honesty and remember that our husbands are not really out to get us.

I can tell you from experience that this is the better way. I don’t always choose it, but I never regret it when I do.

Posted in What Works for Me

Chocolate!

Posted on by Ann B. Hibbard

Yes, I’m going to be goofy. No serious contemplations here today.

Then again…chocolate IS a pretty serious topic, is it not?

Okay, so here’s the deal. We all know the truth about sugar. It’s addictive. It’s poison. It robs us of energy, keeps our clothes from fitting, and tastes oh so good!

I’m choosing, once again, to say no to it. I’m not getting all nit-picky – at least not yet – about every little ingredient of every bit of food I eat. Honestly, it makes a big enough difference to just say no to the mouth-watering peanut butter chocolate chip cookies or peanut brittle currently sitting on our kitchen counter. Accomplishing that is a major success, and I’m much less concerned, for now at least, about the type of yogurt I eat or the amount of sugar in this food or that.

But then there’s chocolate. I love chocolate. I crave chocolate. Yes, truly I do. So, how does that fit into the mix?

Here’s the catch – I know that in the process of cutting out sugar, I know that the teetotal mentality just does not work for me. Been there, done that many times before. What does seem to work, though, is allowing myself two small pieces of good chocolate – one in the morning and one in the afternoon – to the plan.

Nice, dark chocolate. Really dark. Sometimes with almonds and a hint of salt. Mmmmm. Oh, and my cup of Choffy, especially now that I drink it “black” most of the time – only occasionally adding a touch of dark chocolate almond milk if it happens to be a weak brew.

So, here I go. It’s day two (nope, I haven’t gotten very far!), and I’m already feeling a bit better. And somehow that chocolate was even more enjoyable yesterday when it was the ONLY sweet I ate. I can handle that!